The joys of a modern family
by Bloodthirsty
Summary: Are those wedding bells I hear? Or maybe it's just the chainsaw... could be the werewolf too. Alas, poor poor Kain.
1. Default Chapter

Blood thirsty: Okay… I'm sort of new at the fandom of LoK, so if there are any errors, please tell me; but not too harshly!

Legolas: Hey… then what am I doing here?

Blood thirsty: You're my muse! I always have you here! Now meet your new friend!

*Blood thirsty drags Kain in *

Legolas: Wha- who- ahhh!!!

Kain: * blinks * What exactly am I doing here with her?

Blood thirsty: -.-;;; that's a he… and you're my new muse!

Legolas: Does that mean I can go?!

Blood thirsty: … no.

A/N: Okay, there is one for every fandom, and I apologize if this has already been done here, but the idea manifested itself into my head, and won't leave. I own nothing aside from the plot (I might not even own that).

A family, of what looks like 8, walk down Maple Street of any random city. Every city has one. They approach a nice, perky white and light blue house with a 'sold' sign on it. What appears to be the father looks at the house with a satisfied smile on his face.

Kain: We've finally found the right house! Well kids, what do you think? * He turns to look at the six teens *

Raziel: Isn't it a little too… what's the word… preppy for a group of vampires?

*Suddenly, Ariel pops up, holding a 'welcome' mat. She looks at them and looses the housewarming look she had on her half-face. 

Turel: Hey! Since when did was the ghost aloud to leave the Pillars?

Ariel: * eyes narrow * I _prefer_ the term spirit. And what the hell are you doing here?

Kain: Our back yard seems to have the Pillars in them, so technically, we came to her…

Ariel: Then leave! 

Kain: Ah ah ah… * waves his finger in a taunting manner * I've bought it. You'll just have to live- erh… unlive… or, whatever it is you do, with us. 

Ariel: Well I wouldn't have to if _somebody _didn't damn me to the Pillars…

Turel: Both of you shut up! Ariel, no one likes a grudge holder, and Dad, don't be such an ass.

Kain: Yeah Ariel- Hey! I am most certainly not an a- * Kain is cut-off by Zephon. He snatches the keys from Kain, and races to the house *

Zephon: Last one in's a rotten mortal!

*There is a mad dash for the door, and they wrestle in, leaving a stupefied Ariel floating in the middle of the sidewalk.

Once in the house, they look around to see what their father has bestowed upon them. It looks like a 70's house gone wrong. Striped flower wall paper peeled off the walls in odd places, along with brown carpet and flowery drapes on every window*

Kain: * looks around * Well, it's definitely a fixer-upper. 

Rahab: Uh, the Pillar of Balance is kind of in our kitchen…

Melchiah: Well, this 70's freak show _is _built on the base of the Pillars…

* They all look around, trying to decide whether to ask Kain for a new house or just move out. Raziel breaks the silence *

Raziel: Now we get to decide on the bedrooms!

Ariel & Kain: Master Bedroom! * They shoot dark glances at each other and enter into a staring contest *

Turel: Well, if you two can't decide, I guess I get it! * Grins and heads up the stairs *

Melchiah: Not if I get there first! * He proceeds to tackle Turel to the floor. While they are busy wrestling, Raz takes it upon himself to settle the bickering *

Raziel: Heh, guess that mean's it's mine! * Prances nimbly up the stairs until Kain makes his voice heard *

Kain: The master bedroom is _mine_! I am the father of the house! * His eyes narrow dangerously *

Ariel: I was here first! I get the master bedroom!

*The two glare at each other again, until Rahab intersects *

Rahab: Dad, why don't you two share? I mean, Ariel _is _then motherly figure here, and you are the dad. So it makes perfect sense.

*They all stare at Rahab in awe, until Raziel shakes his head *

Raziel: Whatever. Since I'm Dad's favorite kid, I get biggest room that's not the master.

Melchiah: That's not fair! You're not his favorite! * Looks at Kain * He's not your favorite, right?

Kain: * Clears his throat * Well, erh, why don't you six figure out who gets what room. You'll have to share, anyway. 

Ariel: Does that mean we have to?

Kain: Nope. I get the Master, you'll share with… * starts looking at the six vampires, busy arguing about who gets what room * Eany, meany, miny, moe! Raziel, you'll share with Ariel.

Raziel & Ariel : What?!

Kain: You heard me, now start sharing!

Ariel: They're _your_ kids! You share with them!

*Kain and Ariel proceed to fight, along with everyone else in the entire house until the doorbell is rung *

Dumah: * He is currently in a headlock from Rahab, but breaks free and races to the door * I got it!

Kain: * he grabs the scruff of Dumah's neck and pulls him back * I think not! I am the man of the house, so I get to answer the phone, door, and anything else that rings.

*Kain then opens the door to greet the guest. *

????: Hello! I guess you're the new neighbours. I'm-* he stops dead and looks absolutely horrified.

Kain: Moebius?!

Moebius: Kain?! 

*Moebius drops the tin of cookies he had brought over, and stands frozen in the spot *

Kain: What the hell are you doing here?! Why didn't Ariel tell me you lived here!?

Moebius: Because I've never visited her! What the hell are _you_ doing here!? I was here first! And why in sweet God's name are you living in a 70's dump on Maple street?! * he peers past the fuming Kain into the house * Family troubles? * he grins slyly *

Kain: Yes, and neighbour trouble by the looks of it… * Before Kain has a chance to lunge at the Time Streamer, Ariel floats through the door *

Ariel: Why hello Moebius. Fancy you bringing cookies for your new neighbours…

Moebius: What?! You weren't supposed to know I lived next door!

Ariel: * rolls her eyes * Oh come on, I may be blond, but I am most certainly not blind. You're the one who always tries to spy on me.

Kain: Great. A peeping tom for a neighbour. What else could go wrong?

*Right on cue, a loud popping sound is heard, then the rushing of water. Ariel, Moebius and Kain look in, and see the kitchen sink spurting water from a broken pipe, along with Zephon writhing in pain, clutching his arm *

Kain: * In a dangerously soft voice * Who… broke… the… sink…? * His yellow eyes dart from one of his son's to the next, and of course, they all point to one another; well, except Zephon, who is holding his scolding arm, trying to avoid the spurts of water. Moebius smirks and exits silently *

Ariel: I have to live with these… these morons?! Why couldn't Kain have damned me to something else… * she holds her head *

Blood thirsty: Will Zephon's arm be saved? Will Kain kill them all? Will Ariel go postal? Will Moebius be his usual scheming self? Find out next time, on-

Legolas: Enough with the cheesy so-called 'tension'!

Kain: No kidding! It's giving me a headache. And we all know Moebius will be the same old fart we know and love-to-hate.

Blood thirsty: Fine… see if I care… Anyhoo, readers? Please be kind and review… Try not to flame too badly, I burn easily. Plus I have a sweet tooth for revenge! Mwa haha! 


	2. 'Tomato' juice, neighbours, and evil kit...

Blood thirsty: * grins proudly * Wow! A review from THE Syvia! * bows down * I am in awe that my pukey little story could be worthy of any reviews! 

Kain: She's staring at me…

Legolas: For God's sakes! I'm not staring at you! And I'm a guy!

Kain: Then cut your hair, you fem! 

Legolas: Your hair is just as long as mine, you _fem!_

Kain: Yeah, but at least my face doesn't look like a housewife from the 50's.

Blood thirsty: okay, okay, break it up! Ahem, on with chapter two!

A/N: Okay… just to let you know, I stole DHA's idea… it was too tempting! I give lots of credit to her for this chapter! * bows down * I am in your debt!

*It was one week after the 'kitchen' incident, and Kain was starting to relax a bit. He shook his head, and rubbed his eyes. Ariel woke up as well, and grinned at him *

Ariel: Enjoying the floor? * In a taunting tone *

Kain: Oh, bite me. Tomorrow _I_ get the bed. * He grumbles miserably and gets off the floor * You don't even need a bed.

Ariel: Shut up! And I thought biting people was your job.

Kain: * he narrows his eyes at her, and tries to think of a witty comeback, but fails and replies* Bite me.

Ariel: Speaking of jobs… what do you do?

Kain: I- well- I- I… don't have a job… * he blinks as the realization hits him *

Ariel: Then how are you going to support your family!

Kain: Um, Every Vampire for himself…?

*Ariel starts to scream and yell, waking the rest of the vampires in the house, as well as chase the frightened Kain out of the room*

Zephon: Gawd… someone shut them up…

Rahab: * sniffles a little * Why do Mom and Dad fight so much?

Dumah: Shadap! I'd like to sleep as long as possible! And besides, Ariel isn't even our mother!

Zephon: Thank the darkness for that. She'd be a bitch to deal with when _that_ time of the month came.

Dumah: She's a fricken ghost! She doesn't get that!

Rahab: Both of you shut up!

*The three mumble to themselves and go back to sleep in the crowded bedroom *

*Meanwhile, in Raziel, Turel and Melchiah's room… *

Turel: Dad is so going to pay for this.

Raziel: You think you're mad at him? I still owe him for the whole abyss thing!

Melchiah: C'mon Raz, get over it already. It's not like he's gonna do it again.

Turel: Yeah… * snicker * There'd be nothing left of Raziel this time 'round.

Raziel: Quiet! * unsheathes the Soul Reaver (AKA his arm)* You wanna piece of this?!

*A silence follows, and Turel and Melchiah snuggle deeper into their beds, cowering at the glowing sword/arm. Raziel's eyes scrunch up in a smirk, and he falls asleep again. After about an hour, Kain starts the wake-up call *

Kain: Boys, get your butts out of bed before I bring out the super-soaker. * Rapping on the doors *

* The scrambling of claws against the floor can be heard, and before long, Zephon, followed by his brothers scoot out of their rooms, with Raziel taking up the rear *

Kain: Excellent. Now go downstairs and make your lunches.

Raziel: Uh, how are we supposed to go to school in the sunlight? I mean, I'm more evolved, but Rahab and them aren't… 

Kain: Sunscreen, umbrellas, and a change of sleeping habits.

*All the other vampires groan, but proceed to the fridge to prepare their lunches for the day *

Rahab: Here, take… the 'tomato' juice, wink wink! * He proceeds to wink, and takes out the suspiciously dark red 'tomato' juice. They all nod and pack their lunches *

Turel: Why do we even have apples? We'll never eat them.

Kain: Every normal kid has one in their lunch, and we want to be normal! The last thing we need is a Buffy-wannabe on our case, now take the damned apples! * They all hand their apples to Zephon, and push him towards the sink *

Dumah: You can wash the apples now. Have fun!

Zephon: B-but that sink! It's out to get me! I swear! * His brothers proceed to corner him against the Pillar of balance, and he reluctantly takes the apples and walks towards the sink *

Dumah: Aw, don't be such a wuss! It's not out to get you. You're just paranoid.

Zephon: Just 'cause I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get me. * He cautiously turns the tap on, and shields his face. When the water doesn't spray him, he looks relieved and washes the apples (with rubber gloves on, of course)* Hey, you know, this isn't so bad after all. I mean, we just had the plumber in last w-* He is cut off by the tap breaking, spraying him with water* Ahhhhhhhhh! It's in my eye! Gawd it burns!! 

*While his brothers are rolling on the floor with laughter, Zephon runs around in circles. He runs right through Ariel, unfortunately sending a plate with eggs, pancakes and bacon flying right into Kain *

Rahab: Hey! Look everyone! Dad's an egghead! * Points to Kain with two sunny-side up eggs covering his eyes *

Raziel: * Holding his… err… holding where his stomach would be * H-holy frickin cow! Dad looks like one of those ladies who wears cucumbers on their faces!

Kain: * He ferociously rips the eggs of his eyes, and picks out the strips of bacon from his hair * Who…? * his voice is the usual deathly quiet tone. He looks around, and looks at the spurting sink and Zephon, rolling around in pain again * Turel! That's the third time this week! He's going to need therapy soon. Mark my words, if he does, it's coming out of _your_ allowance! 

Turel: It was Melchiah's idea! 

Melchiah: Was not!

Turel: Was too!

Melchiah: Was n- * he is silenced by an anguished cry from his father *

Kain: Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup!! I go outside to get the freakin paper, and it's gone! Gone! How am I supposed to find work without the damned paper!?

Turel: *snickers * Try talking to the _damned_ ghost! * Starts to laugh even harder until Ariel picks up a tray and smacks him *

Ariel: No more jokes about my damnation! * Continues to beat Turel over the head *

Kain: You fight like a woman! It's more like this. * He takes the tray and starts to beat Turel*

*There is a beep from outside, and everyone freezes. Ariel looks at the clock, and starts to scream *

Ariel: The school bus is here!!!! Dumah! Sunscreen! Rahab! Umbrella! Zephon… Just… go to bed.

Zephon: * Sticks his tongue out at his brothers, and limps up the stairs*

*The 'kids' rush out the door in a flash of dark blues, purples, and even blacks, umbrella's trailing behind them *

Kain: Now… to find out who stole my paper… * He grabs an umbrella, and proceeds outside *

*Kain looks around, and spots Moebius watering his lawn*

Kain: Oh it's _you_… Why the h- * He notices Moebius' wicked grin, along with holding the garden hose *

Moebius: Oh… I was just watering my lawn…

Kain: * mumbles something and glares at Moebius. A clap of thunder and lightening gets their attention. The source: A large, creepy looking Mansion at the end of the street *

Kain: Who lives there? 

Moebius: * Shrugs * I don't know, he never comes out. And I don't know why that house was built on a place called 'Maple Street' either.

Kain: *Blinks * A-ha… okay then. I'm going to borrow someone else's paper, since _someone _stole mine… * Glares at Moebius with a suspicious glint in his eyes *

*Kain looks around, and notices a house across the street from him, with the front door open*

Kain: * Rings the doorbell * I'm sure he'll let me borrow the job section.

Vorador: Ye-Oh dear sweet God! 

Kain: Vorador?! What the hell!!! Why is everyone living here!? 

Vorador: Oh, I don't know… * Sarcastically * Maybe cause the Pillars are right there!? * Gestures to the Pillars standing behind Kain's house *

Kain: Well, that would explain a lot. Oh! I came here to ask if I could borrow your paper! Well, just the job section; I need to 'Provide for my family' as Ariel so nicely put it.

Vorador: Oh, heh. Here. * Hands Kain a paper with Kain's adress on it. Kain looks at it for a moment, and Vorador just realizes what he's done* Oh shi-

Kain: * Is choking Vorador* I'll kill you, you little bastard!

Vorador: Kain… I… am… your… father…

Kain: * Stops for a moment * …No you're not… sure, you're the 'father of all vampies', but your not MY dad. * Continues to choke Vorador until he gets bored of strangling Vorador, casually drops him and walks back to his house *

*Kain sits on his porch, flipping through the newspaper when someone steps into his patio. Kain says a mumbled " Hello" But doesn't stop looking at the paper*

????: Why hello there, neighbour. I live a few doors down. Heh, I guess I'd be like that band, 'Three doors down'; well, I'm only two, but oh well!

Kain: * Finally looks up, ready to tell his neighbour to 'feck off', when he goes even paler, (if possible)* Holy Shit! Why are you living here?!?!

Sarafan Lord: Kain?! No fecking way! You're not supposed to be here!

Kain: Get the hell off of my porch!

Sarafan Lord: I wanted this damned house first, but there were rumors that it was haunted… haunted by the ugliest and scariest of all ghosts...

Ariel: * From inside the house* Kain! Kick his ass for that!! 

Sarafan Lord: Oh shit! * A frying pan comes out of the window, hitting the Sarafan Lord square in the head. He holds his throbbing noggin and stumbles off the porch *

Kain: Hey Ariel! Thanks!

Ariel: No problem. Now get in here and find a job, you bum. 

Kain: Hey! If you think it's such a big deal, then you find me a freakin job. I'm going back to bed. *He does so*

Ariel: *To herself * Well… Kain want's me to find him a job… I'll find him a job all right… * she grins evilly *

Blood thirsty: Will Kain get stuck with a horrible job? Will Zephon find out about it? What will Vorador and the Sarafan Lord do with Kain as a neighbour? And what about the mansion? Will DHA sue me…? I hope not… 

Kain: Sue her! No wait! Send her into the dungeons! Or to the guillotine! 

Legolas: No… cut her fingers off one-by one… then, reach down her throat, and pull her intestines out of her throat, and strangle her with them… then stick needles in her eyes, and pour acid over the needles…

Kain & Blood thirsty: O.O;;;

Kain: What did you do to him?!

Legolas: *Laughs insanely * She killed him! 

Blood thirsty: Ummm… Reviews anyone? A psychiatrist would be nice too… along with some morphine and a straightjacket…? 

Thanks to AmuseMe, Sarryn, Syvia and Demon Hunter Anamae! Whoo hoo! Reviews! Hugs for all!


	3. Tables are turned, and curses are uttere...

Blood thirsty: I love you guys!!!!!! * Hugs all her reviewers * 

Kain: *reading through the chapter * Evil! You are heartless! I would never ever work-

Legolas: *puts a hand over Kain's mouth * Shh! No spoilers!

Kain: * Bites Legolas' hand *

Legolas: Ouch! * Holds his hand * You're dead meat Dracula! * Pulls out his arrows *

Kain: Oh shit!

Blood thirsty: Ahem… On with this chapter!

Kain is proceeding to avoid Ariel at all costs. It is the first day of work for the vampire Lord, and he is trying to keep his dignity out of Ariel's reach.

Zephon: Dad…? Why are you hiding in the bathroom?

Kain: Shhhh!!! * In a hushed voice * Don't let Ariel find me!

Zephon: * he grins evilly and starts to shout * Ariel!! I found Dad!

Kain: Why you little… * starts to choke Zephon 'Simpson's' style * 

Zephon: Take * wheeze * it * hack * easy…! * continues to make sputtering sounds *

Ariel: * she floats in, and looks surprised at the color of Zephon's face: a nice purplish blue * Kain! Get your claws off of him! * Picks up the soap and hits Kain in the eye with it. Kain drops Zephon, and rubs his eye furiously * Aw, Poor Zephon… are you okay? Why don't you go to sleep, and I'll get you a nice warm glass of… 'tomato' juice… * she pats him on the head as he snivels and limps out *

Kain: You know, he does that for attention. And that hurt!

Ariel: Shut up and go to work. * She glares intensely at him. He mumbles something, and trudges out of the bathroom *

Kain: So there's no chance you'll let me off, is there?

Ariel: Car. Now. * points to the door *

Kain scratches his head with his middle claw not so subtly, and walks towards his car. The tires screech as he hammers the gas pedal. After mumbling some very unfriendly things about our motherly apparition, he arrives at a trashy looking diner, and walks in.

Kain: * looks around, and spots a woman with lots of make-up on, who eyes him oddly * Umm… excuse me, but where can I find the manager?

Manager: I am the manager, sugar. * She winks at him * I take it you're the 'new guy'?

Kain: I… guess so… * he starts to walk backwards *

Manager: Come with me, Hun. We'll get you into uniform. * She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively *

*The two go into the back,(Kain goes very reluctantly) and she shoves a preppy looking uniform into Kain's arms, and directs him to the boy's bathroom. He emerges looking extremely pissed off, not to mention humiliated *

Kain: I am _not_ a waiter. I do _not_ serve people.

Manager: Fine. Then you don't get the job. 

Kain: * Looking stressed out * No no no… I'll stick with this… * he walks out into the dining area, and takes his first order, looking extremely pissed off*

Meanwhile, at school…

Rahab: This bites. I don't even know what room I'm supposed to be in. * he looks at a piece of paper, which is obviously his schedule*

Raziel: Stop whining! I have to wear this stupid baggy shirt! It makes me look fat…

Turel: Man, you could NEVER be fat! I mean, you haven't got s stomach to turn into a potbelly. 

Raziel: * sarcastically * No, really? And besides, the Soul Reaver certainly adds to my weight.

Turel: Or lack of…

Melchiah: Hey! Room 207! We're here! 

Dumah: Yeah, about ten minutes late.

Turel: I hope the teacher is hot…

*They walk in, and nearly scream. Standing there, teaching algebra, is a man who looks exactly like Sarafan Raziel did *

Dumah: Holy sh-

Mr. Raug(The Sarafan reincarnation): Excuse me, but it appears to me that you are late. * He narrows his eyes and glares at the five * I don't know what school you kids came from, but this is a different school, and we require you to be on time. Understand? * Waves meter stick threateningly* And watch your language, Mr…

Dumah: Dumah. Hey, I'm a mister. Hehe, in your face Raziel!

Raziel: * He stands there, staring stupidly at the almost exact replica of himself before he became the Soul Reaver* Oh…my…god… * he turns to Melchaih * Was I really that big of a bitch?

Mr. Raug: Excuse me?!

Raziel: I-uhh… what I meant, is that I was being totally inconsiderate when I came into your class late, thus the use of the 'b'word…

Mr. Raug: Whatever… Sit down and be quiet. * The five vampires sit down beside each other in the back row *

Raziel: * to Melchiah * This guy is _me_! 

Melchiah: No kidding! He's like an exact replica of you! Well, when you were human, anyway… 

Turel: I'll bet he weighs more… * Raziel glares at him *

Back at home…

Ariel is searching her and Kain's bedroom, and throwing laundry every which way.

Ariel: Why me?! Kain is the slob of all slobs! Ugh, this mess is almost as big as his ego…

Zephon: *from his room* Mom! Can you get me some… hairspray? And a lighter?

Ariel: * she blinks * Zephon…? * she floats into his bedroom, where he's snuggled up, looking as sweet as can be * Why do you need hairspray and a lighter?

Zephon: I uhh… I'm bored?

Ariel: Does it look like I'd need hairspray? And why would a group of vampires have a lighter?!

Zephon: * pouts * Fine then. I'm sleepy, go away…

Ariel: Fine. And I'm _not _your mother! * she slams the door *

Zephon: We'll see… soon, my master plan will be fulfilled, and I will have my revenge on my brothers! Especially Turel… that rat bastard! Mwaa haa ha-

Ariel: *knocking on his door *Zephon…? Are you feeling okay?

Zephon: Oh shit! * pretends to be asleep and snores *

Ariel: * Looks most surprised, and a little freaked out *

Blood thirsty: What is Zephon's evil plan? How will Kain take to serving complete strangers with his manager hitting on him? Will everyone else meet their exact human selves?

Kain: Can you replace me?

Legolas: I've been here longer than you have! I should get to leave!

Blood thirsty: None of you are leaving! Didn't your mothers ever teach you how to be polite and spare peoples feelings?

Kain: I have no mother…

Legolas: My mother's dead…

*both muses break into tears * 

Blood thirsty: ahhh!!! Oh crap!! * whistles innocently and walks away *… anyhoo, be nice and review… and uhhh, leave a bit of change for a psychiatrist…

Disclaimer: I've said it before, I don't own anything. 

And thanks so much to: AmuseMe, Syvia, DHA, Angel-Chan, and Sarryn, bahamut, venus_dragon and Zephon fan!! * sniffles * I love you guys…


	4. No rest or relaxation for the wicked...

Blood thirsty: Yes. I realize my name is 'grammatically' incorrect. Well, I like it that way… It's my internet name! Me very special!

Kain: We all know that.

Blood thirsty: Shut up! Anyhoo, Thankies to all my reviewers! You'll get a Kain or Raziel plushie! And for those who are questioning why Raz is in his Soul Reaver form, that will come into play later on. ^-^ I actually have a plan! And again… I stole an idea from a review in this chapter. ^-^;;; But any ideas or suggestions are welcome… they inspire me!

Anyhoo, onto the story!

Kain walks into the house, looking extremely exhausted, and flops down on the couch, only to realize there are 20 little toddlers running around the house.

Kain: What the fu—

Ariel: Kain! Watch your language! There are little children around!

Kain: I noticed! And _why_ are there little children running around _my_ house?!

Ariel: Kain, be realistic. You're a waiter. There is no way you're going to be able to support a family of six teenage boys. So, I decided to help out by running a pre-school!

Kain: Well run it somewhere else! I am not going to allow a bunch of smelly little brats ruin my house!

Ariel: Smelly little brats?! Look at them! * one jumps onto Kain's lap, and smiles innocently at him *

Kain: Wha- No! This-this _thing_ is not cute. * The child blinks and gurgles happily * No. Not a chance. Nope. * Gurgle *Well… fine. I guess they're kinda cute… * the innocent looking kids face scrunches up, and throws up on Kain *

Kain: Ew! Get off me you little brat! * he throws the kid across the room. The poor child hits the wall, slides down cartoon style, and starts to bawl *

Ariel: Kain! How _dare_ you!? That was a child!! He didn't know any better!

Kain: Well, now he does. * stalks upstairs before Ariel has time to throw things at him *

Zephon: Hehehe… sweet revenge… * hears the footsteps * Ahh… my dear brothers must be home… Aside from Raziel and Rahab, I hope they enjoy the shower! * he laughs evilly to himself as he waits for the door to open. He has a bucket of water teetering on the top of the door, waiting for his brothers to open the door. The only problem is that it isn't his brothers who open the door…*

Kain: Hey, Zephon. How are y-* before he can finish, the water pours onto his head, and he begins to scream out curses in any language he can think of *

Ariel: Kain!!!! * she floats up ready to give Kain hell for his use of colorful language, but just stares as he runs around doused in water *

Kain: Gawd it burns!!!! Zephon! When I recover, your ass is mine! Damnit! Ouch!

Ariel: Kain! You will not speak to your son that way! * she turns around holding her head * I can't live like this…

* The doorbell rings, and the five teenage vampires walk in from a hard day at school *

Raziel: I hate math! I hope I didn't act like that.

Melchiah:… Hey! Has Dad told any of you what his job is?

Rahab: * snickers * He's probably not telling us because it would demolish his ego…

Turel: Yeah, betcha he's a waitress or something…

Dumah: It would be a waiter. Dad may have long hair, but he's lacking in breasts. And not lacking in- * he stops when someone taps him on the shoulder *

Kain: What exactly are you talking about? * Narrows his eyes *

Turel: Uhh… this punk at school. Some people say he's a woman… * all the brothers proceed to nod enthusiastically *

Raziel: So uhh… how's Zephon? * glances at Kain's now healing burn marks * And what happened?!

Kain: * eye twitch *

Ariel: * ushering two toddlers away from the group of teenage vampires * You might not want to push the subject… so how was school, boys? * none answer completely, and just mumble *

The doorbell rings again, and mothers burst into the house, awaiting their children. After ten minutes of fussing and payment, Ariel sighs and floats down on the couch next to Kain 

Kain: Peace at last… I hate work…

Ariel: I like this whole pre-school teacher thing! Kids are so nice to have… * Kain reaches for the TV remote *

Kain: Try raising six boys. Then you'll hate kids.

Ariel: The only reason they turned out the way they did was because they didn't have a motherly figure!

Kain: Hey! Are you saying my children are bad? * looking offended *

Ariel: No, no, no! I… uhh… just meant… hey! Look! Passions is on!

Kain: Oooh no! Noooo no! We are _not _watching a soap opera!

Ariel: * puppy dog eyes * Please Kain? Dealing with a bunch of toddlers is stressful work… * bats her eyelashes *

Kain: * mumbles * Fine…

*Turel pops out of nowhere, and makes whipping sounds towards Kain *

Turel: Whakeesh! Hey Dad, _somebody's _whipped!

Kain: why you little #*@&!!! * An innocent bystander on the street hears the word, and his head explodes *

Ariel: Language, buddy! * death glare at Kain *

Turel: Whakeesh! * hops away before Kain can strangle him *

Kain: Ariel! I'm the man of the house! How am I supposed to keep control over those monsters if I'm being ruled over by a ghost!

Ariel: That's not what you mean… * she glares icily at Kain * It's because I'm a woman, isn't it?!

Kain: No! Not at all! Just… think of it, a physical beauty such as myself, being ruled over by a… not so physical beauty.

Ariel: So you think I'm ugly?!

Kain: No! I just- *sighs * never mind… let's watch your damned show.

Ariel: Thanks. * she smiles at Kain, but he just mumbles something and closes his eyes. He's about to fall asleep, until a disembodied arm whacks him in the face *

Kain: What the hell?! * picks up the arm * Melchiah?! 

Zephon: *from upstairs * Dad! Pass me that!

Melchiah: No! Don't! He said he'd flush it down the toilet!

Zephon: * to Melchiah * Squealer! * Sounds of fighting can be heard *

Kain: Don't make me come up there! Cause if I do it won't just be Melchiah missing an arm!

Ariel: Why me…? * She sighs deeply as the fighting increases *

Kain: All right, you little pukes asked for it! * he rolls up his non-existent sleeves and walks up the stairs *

Zephon: * holding up one of Melchiah's legs * Haha! You can't get it! Jump, Mel, jump!

Melchiah: when I get a hold of you, you'll be sorry!

Kain: All right. Enough. Zephon, drop the leg.

Zephon: Bite me, _Dad_. * He sneers at Kain and continues to taunt Melchiah * Can't get it! Do you want your leg? Can't get it!

Melchiah: Give me back my damned leg you rat bastard, or else I'll go medieval on your ass! That's right! I'll disembowel you and hang you out for everyone to see! And use thumbscrews and the Chinese water torture! I'll burn a hole right through your dumbass head! I'll kill you!!!! * He does a battle cry and bites at Zephon's ankles *

Zephon: Holy shit! * drops the leg * He's gone rabid! Get him off me!!

Kain: * He says nothing, but he clenches his hands into fists, and his left eye twitches *

Raziel: Guys… you might want to knock it off… 

Zephon: * Looks at his father, and decides to take his oldest brother's advice * Hehe… just playing with ya, Mel… no hard feelings?

Melchiah: * Also noticing the look on Kain's face * Hehe… yeah… sorry about the ankle thing… * cheesy smile *

Kain: If… you… do… a…stunt…like…that…again… I'll… * twitch *

Raziel: * Swings an arm under Melchiah's Arm, and lifts him up, only to have the arm fall off too. Kain twitches * Ahehehe… don't worry about that, Dad… just go downstairs, relax… watch some TV… 

Kain: fine… but… if… this-

Raziel: -Ever happens again you'll throw us into the abyss. We know. Been there, done that. Now go downstairs! * Kain glares at all of them, but goes into the living room, only to see Ariel crying *

Kain: Now what?!

Ariel: * switching channels between soap operas * It's just… it's all so sad!!! Everything is going wrong in 'Days of our lives' and- in passions- * she hiccups, but calms down * I'm o-okay… Just a little shaken up. So what happened up there?

Kain: *twitch * I'd rather not *twitch * talk about it…

Ariel: o..kay… Kain, you look stressed… why don't I make you a nice supper, and you can have a glass of wine/blood? 

Kain: That would be fantastic. Thank you Ariel. * He smiles sincerely at her. She floats into the kitchen, only to have the doorbell ring. Kain, not wanting to bug Ariel too much, takes it upon himself to answer the door. *

Kain: Hello. What do- Oh sweet merciful God! What have I done to deserve this!?! * in walks Vorador, Marcus, Sebastian, Faustus, The Sarafan Lord, Moebius, Mangus and Vampire Raziel (for all you Raziel fangirls!) *

Vorador:… so I said to him- oh! Kain! How are you today? We're just coming over hear to play strip poker. Want to join?

Kain: B-but my peace and quiet! M-my relaxation night! My _supper_!!!! No! Get the hell out!

SL: Watch it, vampire. You don't have the Soul Reaver, now do you? What defense do you have against me?

Kain: * Eyes narrow * I may not have the damned sword, but I _have _the Soul Reaver! * grabs Soul Reaver Raziel's arm * Ha! Take that you… Sarafan Lord!

SR Raziel: Um… Dad? Wrong arm. 

Kain: Wha- damnit… * the group of eight walk into the kitchen, followed by a screaming Ariel * Kain! Get them out!

Vampire Raziel: Hey! Dad! You're looking awfully spiffy today!

SR Raziel: Aw man! In my human life I've got the big book of 'being sadistic to vampires' shoved up my ass, and as a vampire, I'm a complete brown nose! What the hell is wrong with me!?

Kain: Oh shit… Raziel! * Both turn to look at him * Soul Reaver Raziel! Go hide somewhere! Don't let your other self see y-

Vampire Raziel: What the hell?! Is that… me?! I-I'm so ugly! Dad! What the hell happened to me?! * looks at him with child-like innocence *

Kain: Well… erh… you see- * Turel interrupts him *

Turel: Well, you evolved before Kain did, and got a nice pair of wings I might add. Well, Dad got pissed, ripped off your wings and tossed you into the abyss. * grins triumphantly *

An awkward silence ensues, and Vampire Raziel stares at Kain like a kicked puppy.

Vampire Raziel: B-but… Dad… I-I thought I was your favourite… * lower lip trembles *

Kain: Well… erh… * scratches the back of his head uncomfortably, then glares at Turel * I swear to God, if he needs counseling, it's coming out of your allowance…

The doorbell rings again, and Kain nearly screams. All of them glance at the door, and it rings again. Everyone looks at Kain, and he helplessly walks towards the door, and opens it…

Kain: Oh my god!! Please no! No more! I hate Karma!

Manager from his work place: Kain! I see you have a full house… Is your bedroom occupied?

Ariel: KAIN!!!!!! I'm your wife for Petes sake! You could have at least started an affair without me knowing! Well that is IT! I'm sick of the way you're treating me! * She disappears, obviously into the spectral realm *

Kain: * blinks * W-what the hell are you doing here?!

Manager: You said your wife was dead!

Kain: She _is _dead!

Vorador: * From the Kitchen * Uhhh… Kain? Could I borrow a pair of pants or something? I seem to be loosing this hand…

Moebius: Please! For everything that is holy _and _unholy! Give him some pants!

Marcus: God… that red speedo will haunt my dreams forever…

Kain: What the… You're all supposed to be _dead_!! Dead, dead, DEAD! Now die!! Please!!

Sebastian: Not in this lifetime pal. You killed us off in the last one.

By now, the children have started fighting amongst themselves, taunting Melchiah again, who is missing both arms and legs.

Melchiah: Daaaaaaaaad!!!! Zephon stole my arms _and_ my teddy bear! And Turel has my legs!

Zephon: Daaaaad!!! Tell Melchiah to stop being such a whiner! 

* from the kitchen *

SL: No! For all our sakes, don't let Vorador loose! Kain! Give him some pants!

Faustus: Normally, I would wonder why the Sarafan Lord would want to loose to a vampire, but considering a red speedo is all Vorador has on, I can see why his opinion is the way it is…

Sebastian: Kain! Give him a damned pair of pants, or I'll go berserk on your ass!

Mangus: Hey! I'm winning! * Toothy grin *

Throughout all the madness going throughout the house, a small cracking sound can be heard as Kain clenches his fists. Everything is silent as they watch Kain in utter disbelief. He hasn't moved from where he was standing. Everything seems to stand still as Kain begins to hyperventilate.

Mangus: Well… I think it's about time I left… thanks for the robe, Vorador! * Cheerily puts it on and is about to leave. Kain shoots a _very _evil glance at him, and uses 'immolate' on him. Mangus squeals and tries to put out the fire*

Kain: No one, I mean _no one _is leaving… Raziel, get your blue, nonexistent ass over here!

Vampire Raziel: hey! My ass is very real, and it's _not _blue!

SR Raziel: Hey dumbass! He was talking to m-* He is silenced by an outraged growl from Kain *

Kain: Shut the hell up and get over here! * SR Raziel gulps, (though none of us know how he manages to do so without most of his mouth) and timidly walks towards Kain. * All right. Now get the Soul Reaver.

SR Raziel: But I-

Kain: DO IT! * SR Raziel does so, and Kain grabs hold of his arm * Now… anyone else who ever, _ever_ dares to pull a stunt like this again in my house, is getting this shoved where the sun don't shine…

SR Raziel: Hey! This is my arm we're talking about!

Kain: Shut up! * looks around glaring at everyone * Do we all understand…? * Everyone nods, looking terrified * Now _get the hell out of my sight_!!

Everyone runs in a furry of cloaks and claws, but manage to race out the door without much trouble. Turel opens his mouth, but Dumah's eyes widen as he shakes his head violently as a gesture to stay quiet. Turel decides to hold his tongue for the time being.

SR Raziel: …Dad…? Are you okay…? You look… upset.

Kain: I wonder why?! I come here to live a nice quiet life, and all hell breaks loose!! Why shouldn't I be upset! I just want to go to sleep and forget about my neighbours and everything else!

Melchiah: Dad…? Before you go to sleep and forget everything… can you sew my arms and legs back on?

Kain: * his lip trembles * I try, and I try, but nothing is _ever _good enough for you boys! I give you _each_ a whole clan, and people to kill, and gawd knows what else, and this is the respect I get? * he inhales deeply * If you'll excuse me, I have something in my eye. * He turns swiftly on one heel and bolts up the stairs *

Turel: I'll bet he doesn't have something in his eye! I think he's sobbing like a pansy! * Grins triumphantly for stating the obvious *

SR Raziel: No freakin duh! Give the guy a break! Am I the only one who actually cares that he's working his ass off for us? * His brothers give him a blank stare* Fine! I'm gonna go and find Ariel. * mumbling * _I_ should be the one hating him… * disappears into the spectral realm *

Dumah: Since when was _he_ Mr. Mature?

Vampire Raziel: Probably since Kain threw me into the abyss! That bastard! * Dumah and Turel grin at eachother *

Turel: Yeah… he threw you in with his bare hands-erh, claws. * much snickering from the brothers * 

Melchiah: Uh guys? Could someone sew my arms and-* All the brothers leave and turn out the lights, leaving poor Melchiah alone in the dark hallway. He sighs * Never mind.

Blood thirsty: Will poor Marcus have nightmares for the rest of his life? Will Melchiah ever get his limbs sewn back on? Will Kain loose his tyrannical edge, and turn into a pansy? Wow… that's doubtful…

Kain: I will never loose my tyrannical edge! And I will get my revenge!

Blood thirsty: Hehe… not before me…

Yes. I did use a reference to Demon Hunter Anamae's fic. Chapter 16 of 'Romeo and Juliet'! Hehe, Vorador in a speedo… If you haven't read the story, do so now! I command you! It has got to be one of the funniest stories out there! Not to mention by one of the most well known LoK authors on FF.net as well. 

Disclaimer: I'll do this every so often. If I owned LoK, then I would be swimming in money, laughing at the imbecile who would be writing this. Just making sure I'm not gonna get sued, lol.


	5. Beware, the sink!

Bloodthirsty: Yeah yeah. Go ahead. Laugh. I've cracked. I'm no longer Blood thirsty, but Bloodthirsty. So sue me.

Kain: sure.

Bloodthirsty: not literally! Sheesh. Lighten up, pal. ^-^ This chapter should be good! 

Kain: That can't be good…

Kain is at work, walking around taking orders and _trying_ to be friendly, though the customers aren't helping the situation.

Random Customer: Your finger was in my water! I demand a free lunch!

Kain: * clenches his teeth * No… my finger was _not _in your water. If it was, it would be burning.

Customer: So your saying you put acid in my water!? I'm sooo suing you!

Kain: Why you ungrateful little mortal… * reaches for a knife *

Manager:* sneaks up behind him * Uh uh. No can do. We need to talk…

Kain: * Looking exasperated and pissed off * For the love of- * The manager grabs him by the ear and drags him into the very back room *

Manager: You know, with the way you were acting, I think you _want _ punishment… * Takes a strand of her hair and twirls it seductively *

Kain: Does that mean I'm getting fired? Because I have a family to support and-

Manager: Shh… I understand… * bats her eyelashes at him * You'll just have to…

Kain: This is blackmail, isn't it?

Manager: More or less, yeah.

Kain: Aw, damnit. 

At school…

Rahab: Well… this is where we septerate. What does everyone have?

Vampire Raziel: I have… math. 

Melchaih: Haha! Sucker! 

Vampire Raziel: What?

SR Raziel: Well, your alter-ego is the math teacher.

Vampire Raziel: You teach math?

SR Raziel: * blank stare * Okay… your alter-alter-ego.

Vampire Raziel: Is he as beautiful as me? * All his brothers snigger *

Turel: Well, I have the same class as you, so I guess we're stuck with him.

Melchiah: I have English. How about you guys?

Dumah and Rahab: We have Phys Ed. 

Rahab: Aw. I want English.

Dumah: Heh, I'm not complaining. I think I'll like Physical education. 

Turel: * Snidely * Wow, that was… * counts on his claws until he reaches six, then he runs out of claws * Damn! Rahab! How many syllables was that?

Rahab: * sighs and shakes his head * Seven.

Turel: Ha! That was seven syllables. You sure it's not too big of a word for you?

Rahab: Man, you should have quit when you were ahead. Dumah, we should get going.

SR Raziel: I have… French? Since when did I sign on for French? Ah well. Wonder what Zephon is up to… 

All brothers: Who cares?

At home…

Zephon: Aw man. This is too boring. Ariel! What's there to do around here?

Ariel: * is busy taking care of the toddlers * I don't care! Just don't do anything destructive!

Zephon: * snorts * Yeah right. Okay then… * saunters into the kitchen and opens the fridge * Now… what do I want…

????: you don't want anything from the fridge…

Zephon: I don't? Why- hey! Who said that…? * looks around suspiciously *

????: Over heerrrreee….

Zephon: Where?

????: Heeerrreeee…

Zephon: Where the hell is 'here'?!

Sink: I'm the sink you nincompoop! 

Zephon: Oh, oka- bloody hell! The sink is taking to me! I'm loosing it! * starts to gasp for breath * Okay… just get some blood and leave…

Sink: Nooo… go to the counter… pick up the knife… * All of a sudden, the lighting changes from regular to red and blue, focusing on the butcher's knife sitting on the kitchen counter *

Zephon: Whoa… intense… * starts to slowly walk towards the counter *

Sink: Thaaat's right… now pick it up… * Zephon picks up the knife and twirls it idly between his claws * Good… now see little Suzy? Kill her…

Zephon: Yes master…. * walks towards little Suzy menacingly, holding the knife in a psychotic way *

Ariel: * floats in, looking frantic * Now where did little Suzy g-oh my gawd! Zephon no! 

Zephon: * blinks and drops the knife * Wha… what happened?

Ariel: You could have killed her! What were you doing with that knife!?

Zephon: I uhh… The sink told me to…?

Ariel: All right. That is enough. When Kain comes home, he is taking you to a doctor!

Zephon: But it's true! I swear!

Ariel: * smiles sadly at him * Of course it is, sweety… Now why don't you go upstairs and rest…

Zephon: whatever…

Back at the diner…

Manager: C'mon Kain! There is nothing wrong with a good relationship between an employee and his employer! 

Kain: There is when the employer tries to grope the employee! Now stay back!

Manager: Aw, your no fun! How well can a ghost satisfy your _manly _needs…?

Kain: * Looks extremely revolted * Probably better than you can!

Manager: We'll see about that… * she is about to lunge at Kain, but another employee walks in, holding a phone *

Employee: Phone call for Kain.

Kain: Thank the dark gods! * takes the phone and exits * …yeah? Melchiah! I could kiss you!… what? No I'm not stoned!… in trouble? I can't fight all your battles you know… What? They need me to come over!! I'll be there in five minutes flat! 

Manager: Who was that?

Kain: My son! And guess who has to go to his school? * grins evilly * So long sucker! * races out and jumps into his car. And yes, in five minutes flat, he manages to get to the school, and into the office *

Melchiah: Hey Dad…

Kain: What is it- holy sweet monkey! * looks at his teacher * Melchiah?

English teacher: My name is Mr. Nelson. I have something I think you and the principle need to discuss. 

Kain: What would that be? * Still gawking at the Sarafan Melchiah *

Mr. Nelson: Your son tried to skin someone. I think he has some issues.

Kain: Yeah well, who doesn't have issues. * A busy-looking secretary walks in *

Secretary: The principle will see you now.

Melchiah: * looks at Kain meekly * I swear! It was too perfect! He was just my size!

Kain: Did you maim this student?

Melchiah: Hell yes!

Kain: I'm proud to be your father. Now lets waste this jerkass principle.

Melchiah: All right! 

The two walk into the principals' office, and are immediately re-thinking their plan of action. It's extremely dark, and has a large black chair with the back facing them. The principal is rocking ever-so-lightly, making a nerve wracking squeak.

Principal: So who do we have to deal with now? Spitballs? Hair-pulling? 

Kain: Actually, skinning and maiming.

Principal: wha- * the chair pivots * 

Kain: Malek?!

Malek: Kain?!

Melchiah:… this can't be good… Dad, lets just leave!

Kain: Not a hope in hell! My child has every right to maim a puny mortal!

Malek: Then I have every right to maim a disgusting vampire!

Kain: I'd like to see you try! * the two glare at each other *

Malek: Fine. Your little brat is expelled! 

Melchiah! All right!

Kain: That means your staying home with Zephon.

Melchiah: No! I'll be good! I swear! I won't even flick anyone! For the love of all that is unholy, let me stay!!!! 

Kain: Whatever… you haven't heard the last of me, you disgusting Sarafan.

Malek: Same to you, you parasite. And your kid is still expelled!

Kain and Melchiah leave, though Kain does a not-so-friendly hand gesture. They arrive home to a hysterical Ariel.

Ariel: Kain! Zephon has lost it! He's trying to kill me, but I'm already dead!

Zephon: Meat!! * Lunges at Melchiah, taking off both of his arms *

Melchiah: Ahhh!!! Holy crap! 

Zephon: The sink doesn't like you, Melchiah! You're a baaaaad little vampire!!! It's going to KILL you! * cackles evilly *

Kain: the hell…? Zephon, calm down! Christ, what did you feed this kid, Ariel?

Ariel: Nothing! He said that the sink was talking to him, so I sent him to his room! After about five minutes, he came racing down the stairs trying to stab me with a pen!

Kain: * Dodges Zephon's stabbing motion * Holy sh-

Ariel: Language! There are little children around! I _do _run a nursery after all.

Kain: Whatever. Mel- what the hell? Where's Melchiah?!

Melchiah: * Zephon is trying to shove him down the sink * Dad!!! Help meee!!!

Zephon: The sink needs sacrifices! Do you hear me?! _Sacrifices_!!!! * cackles evilly *

Kain: Screw this! I am in no mood to deal with this! * Picks up Zephon with one hand, and Melchiah with the other and tosses them into the living room * This little shenanigan has gone on long enough! * Reaches under the counter and gets Drain-X. He pours it down the sink, to much protesting of the sink itself. After he does, a bright light irrupts out of the sink *

Ariel: What the hell was that?

Melchiah: …Zephon…?

Zephon: *His voice is much, much much deeper and his head does a 360 spin before he responds to Melchiah * Yessss…?

Melchaih: Oh shit! Daaaaaaaad!!! Zephon's possessed! 

Kain: Ah for the love of… All right, demon. Get the hell outta my son!

Demon/Zephon: Why don't you make me? * vomits pea soup onto Kain *

Kain: Ew! That's the second time in a week! Goddamnit! I'm putting up an anti-ralphing law in this- *gets vomited on again *

Melchiah: * trying to crawl away with only his legs * Help meee!!

Ariel: Get him upstairs! We need an exorcist! 

Kain: The hell with that! I don't want to have a Priest on my ass for being a vampire! We'll watch the movie and exorcise him ourselves.

Kain drags Zephon up the stairs, and throws him into the room, and locks the door.

Ariel: Good Lord! If you want to preform this exorcist thing, then you're the one who has to watch the movie. _I _have kids to tend to. * She floats away to find the toddlers *

Kain jumps in the car yet again, races to the video, grabs a copy of 'the exorcist' and rushes back home.

Back at school…

Rahab: Finally! Language arts! Seeing you as the phys. Ed. teacher was too weird…

Dumah: Yeah… you know, there have been rumors that Melchiah has been expelled…

Rahab: Melchiah?! _Our_ Melchiah?

Dumah: Do you see any other Melchiahs around here? * Just as he says that, the English teacher walks in * … I stand corrected.

Mr. Nelson: Well, well, well… The older brothers of little Melchiah, correct? * The two vampires nod, unsure of what to do * I got that little _freak _expelled, and I'll have no problems getting you two expelled.

Rahab and Dumah look at each other, but just sit down and stay quiet.

Mr. Nelson: Now who can tell me- * Rahab raises his hand, already sure of the answer *

Rahab: It's-

Mr. Nelson: _Silence_!!!!!!!!!! _No_ one interrupts me like that! Talk when you are not spoken to again, and I shall make sure you never want to speak again!

Rahab: Yes s-

Mr. Nelson: What did I just tell you?!?! * Veins in his forehead are popping up *

Rahab: But you just spoke to-

Mr. Nelson: If you talk out of turn again, your going down to see Mr. Malek!!!!! * Rahab and Dumah's eyes widen, and they immediately shrink back into their seats * Hehe… that's better.

Now, onto French with Vampire Raziel and Turel…

Mr. Z: All right! Do we have everyone?

Turel: * Whispering to Raziel * Shit! It's Zephon! He's gonna be a complete psycho!

Vraziel: Uh Turel?

Turel: He'll be vicious and ruthless and- * Is tapped on the shoulder by Mr. Z * Ahhh!!!!

Mr. Z.: Now why would you think that? You don't even know me! I'm willing to forgive and forget if you're willing to give me a chance. * Cheesy smile *

Turel: What the…? * Mr. Z. Extends his hand for Turel to shake *

Raziel: My gawd! Zephon would have a fit if he found out he was a pansy as a human!

Turel: I get dibs on telling him!

Now, onto Soul Reaver Raziel with history…

Our little blue friend is sitting next to a girl with blond curls and bright blue eyes. He looks extremely nervous, as his skin is blue; not a normality in humans.

Girl: My name's Betty. Whats yours?

SR Raziel: Uh… Raziel…

Betty: Don't worry. We're all very accepting. Especially Mr. Tucker. * Yeah, you guessed it. Sarafan Turel walks in, looking extremely happy until he sees Raziel *

Mr. Tucker: I'm so sorry about your little brother getting expelled.

SR Raziel: Well, you know… bad stuff happens… * looks nervous. There's just something about this guy that seems so unlike Turel… *

Betty: He's really nice. Everyone in this school respects him, which was kind of unexpected considering he's gay.

SR Raziel: * His eyes widen and if he could, he would be smirking until his mouth fell off * Oh gawd! I can't wait to tell Turel that he's gay! * he beings to laugh hysterically at the thought of womanizing Turel being Gay as a Sarafan *

Betty: * Her eyes narrow * what are you laughing at, blue boy?

SR Raziel: * Between fits of laughter * …Can't wait to tell… Turel he's gay! * stops laughing as everyone in the class glares at him *

Random student: You'd think a blue freak would be accepting, wouldn't you? * Glares at Raziel *

SR Raziel: No, that's not why I'm laughing. It's because-

Random student: Get him!!! * All the student stampede after him, and he races out of the classroom *

Bloodthirsty: Bwah! What will happen with Turel? Will Kain be able to perform the exorcism? Who the hell lives in the Mansion down the street? Find out later! Bwah hahhaa!

Kain: Pathetic… really pathetic.

Bloodthirsty: Whatever… * glares *

I apologize for the shortness of the teacher/student interaction. I'll get into it a little more later in the story, promise! Oh man… this is gonna be a _very _long story… lol, hope ya don't mind! Thanks to everyone for reviewing!!!!!! I love you guys!!! * tosses Janos plushies at everyone *


	6. Not-so-innocent Melchiah, rabid Zephon, ...

Bloodthirsty: I hate writers block. This is about the third version I've written. Gawd I hate it. *bashes her head* 

Kain: You're going to hurt yourself by doing that, you know.

Legolas: And you care because…?

Kain: Who said anything about me caring? I'm just stating the obvious.

Bloodthirsty: I'll get my revenge… Ahem… I must apologize for the loooong wait… heh, I went camping for… ten days?! Dear god! I missed this computer so much!! *latches onto her computer* 

…and I'm just lazy…

And BTW, Kain is BO2 Kain… just… because… =P

Ahem… shoutouts!

AimzNemesis Sadistic Scorpion: Thanks! I'm glad you like the fic! ^^

Zephon Fan: Wow! Four reviews!!! Thankies so much! And I'll take the ideas into consideration! Gawd, what would I do without you? *throws Zephon plushie*

Elashana: Hee! I'm glad you like mah style, ^____^ hopefully you'll like this chapter too, lol.

Jedi-And: Wonderful idea!! That's definitely a keeper!

Sarryn: Halloo again! Glad ya like it, and the Janos plushie. There's just something about big, black wings that… ahehehe.. never mind…

Venris: lol! Yeah. Poor Zephon will have sinkaphobia when this is all through, lol!

Fallen Templar: Hehe… heads up? And yeah, Zephon will need it. Definitely, lol.

Demon Hunter Anamae: Hehehe, everyone loves the sink, 'cept of course Zephon… and trust me, it'll get better… mwah hahahahaa!!!

Angel-Chan: Of course I did! It was too awesome to ignore! And right now, the world is coming to whatever I say it is! Mwah hahaha!

AmuseMe: Yay! Glad you like the story! Cause it certainly is fun to write!

Ariel floats into Zephon's room at about one in the morning, and Kain is still trying to exorcise the demon out of him.

Kain: The power of- the power of- dear god, I'm so sick of that damned phrase… 

Zephon/Demon: You're sick of it? I've had to listen to it for who knows how long?!

Ariel: Zephon, and uh, demon, go to bed. You too Kain. You have to work tomorrow.

Kain: Work…? Damnit. Work, work, exorcise, work. That's all I ever do around here! And it doesn't help with my manager hitting on me. I know I'm good looking, but really, a guy gets tired of being groped.

Ariel: Uh Kain, Z-

Kain: Silence! I'm not finished ranting! Do you know how hard it is to keep my hair like this?! I can't even shower for gods sake! 

Ariel: Kain! Zeph-

Kain: And keeping a body like this? It takes work! And my schedule is tight enough as it is! *gestures to his nice, sculpted, beautiful… erh… where was I? Oh yeah! His abs…hehe…*

Ariel: Are you finished? 

Kain: Yeah, and I feel so much better. *smiles*

Ariel: Good, cause Zephon just crawled out the window.

Kain: Oh, okay- what?! No!! I'm going to bed! I need my beauty sleep! Let someone else find him, I'm going to bed. *he huffs and stomps out of the room*

Ariel: *shrugs* I can't really leave this place, so I'll just let some other poor soul find him. *she floats out of the room as well*

Meanwhile, outside, Zephon/demon is scampering around like an animal, sniffing fire hydrants and snarling.

Random person: My my, a teenager out late… Poor thing. Where do you li- *The poor soul is cut off by the slice of Zephon's claw across his throat. Why he was out so late, we'll never know*

Zephon/Demon: Were shall we go to next? _How the hell should I know?! You're in control here!_ Let's go see that creepy mansion!_ Sure, why not?_

So Zephon/demon begin the journey down the street towards the creepy mansion. And now, back at home…

Kain: *Has a pillow over his head* I'm not listening Ariel!

Ariel: Poor Zephon… He could be taken advantage of, or killed…

Kain: Good! One less mouth to feed!

Ariel: Or… he could do some major damage and get you a major fine…

Kain: Shit! *bolts out of bed and races out the bedroom door in his boxers* 

Rahab: *hears Kain pounding furiously at the door* Wha…? 

Dumah: *also wakes up* What the hell?

Kain: *from outside the room* Rahab! Get out here!

Rahab: Fine, don't get your underwear in a wedgie. *opens the door to see Kain in smiley faced boxers* Dear sweet mother of Pearl, get some pants on!

Kain: *rolls his eyes* It's not like I'm in a thong. Now go get Melchiah and find Zephon.

Rahab: Where is he?

Kain: Somewhere outside. Now go get your brother.

Rahab: *mumbles and proceeds to the next room to get Melchiah*

As soon as the two young vampires are fully dressed, they go outside to find Zephon.

Melchiah: I'm sleepy… and I don't wanna find Zephon. He's a jackass.

Rahab: Mel, someday you'll learn that there's more to people than what you think.

Melchiah: Even Zephon?

Rahab:… Well… Let's just find him and get it over with… *they both look at the haunted mansion*

Melchiah: How the hell did that house get on a place called 'Maple street'?

Rahab: Beats me, but Zephon is probably there, just because of Murphy's Law.

The two approach the front of the house, only to see what appears to be a bouncer. He looks at them suspiciously.

Bouncer: Are you friends with that freaky, animalistic one?

Rahab: *Rolls his eyes* Damn Zephon. We're acquaintances, not friends.

Bouncer: Well I'm sure you're not old enough to go in.

Melchiah: We're probably older than you! I'm over a millennia old! 

Bouncer: *eyes them suspiciously* Okay… fine… but if you're under aged, we never met… *The two vampires walk in, only to be greeted to very…odd music*

Melchiah: This music is… odd…

Rahab: I have a sinking suspicion we shouldn't be here…

Vorador: *comes up behind Rahab and taps him on the shoulder* Can I he- Rahab? Aren't you a little… uh… young to be here?

Rahab: Well… what _is _this place…?

Vorador: It's a bordello. 

Rahab: *eyes widen* You are a sick old vampire!

Melchiah: What's that? 

Vorador: It's basically a-

Rahab: No! Don't taint his innocent mind!

Vorador: He skins people! How innocent can he be?! He needs to learn about reproduction.

Rahab: But- *is bowled over by Zephon*

Zephon/Demon: Ha! Fresh meat! Sacrifices for the sink! The sink!!!

Vorador: *grins and takes hold of Melchiah's hand* I want you to meet a few of my... employees… 

Rahab: *manages to knock Zephon unconscious* There! Take that you bastard! Now where's Melchiah- oh no! *looks around realizing he and Vorador are gone* Kain is _so _going to kill me… *runs down the hallway in search of his two youngest brothers*

Six in the morning rolls around, and Kain drags his butt out of bed, smashing his alarm clock.

Kain: Goddamn early mornings. *stretches and yawns* Today is going to be a bad day. I can feel it in my bones…

Ariel: It's always a bad day for you. Be optimistic! 

Kain: How can I be optimistic?! And how did you get here?

Ariel: *shrugs* I dunno, I just kind of… appear when I want to. *Phone rings* Kain? You're the one who demands that only the 'man' of the house can answer the phone, now do it.

Kain: *muttering curses while racing to get to the phone. He finally answers it* Who the hell calls this early?! *picks up the phone* Hullo?

Voice at the other end of the phone: *in a New York accent* Kain? Is that you? Ooh, my little boy is all grown up!

Kain: *horrified* Mom?!

Voice at the other end of the phone: No, silly. Mummsies! Your father and me are coming over tonight, so have something special ready for us… I can't wait to see your kids and your wife. I'm sure they're as darling as you are. Kainy-poo? Are you there?

Kain: *eyes wide* O…kay… *hangs up* 

Ariel: Kain? Something wrong?

Kain: Shoot me… just… shoot me.

*Rahab opens the door, looking extremely tired, dragging a very hyper looking Melchiah* 

Kain: what the hell are you two doing home so late- erh… early?!

Rahab: We had a little mishap with Zephon and Vorador… and Candy… and Taffy…

Kain: No wonder Melchiah looks like he's gonna pop. Sheesh.

Rahab: No, not like… 'Candy' and 'Taffy', but you know… certain… uhh.. women who like to be called names like those…

Melchiah: Kain…? Are you really our dad?

Kain: Of course I am! Why would you ask tha-

Melchiah: Ew! You had sex!

Rahab: Melchiah!! Shut up!!!

Kain: you took him to a strip club?! He _knows _about that now?! I'm gonna kill you for taking him to a strip club!

Rahab: No! Zephon went into the bordello down the street-

Kain: Whoa, wait… There's a bordello down the street…? Oh gawd… as long as Mom doesn't see it… why is Melchiah so freaked out?

Rahab: Well, when I found him, they were telling him the many uses of whipped cream…

Kain: What?! Vorador, that bastard, I'll kill him!!

Melchiah: He's coming over for supper with Candy!

Kain: What?! No!!! I have my parents coming over! And where the hell is Zephon?!

Rahab: At the dog pound… You have to pick him up today, or he's getting put down.

Kain: Noooooo!!! Make is stop!!!! Gaah!!! *runs upstairs to get dressed*

Later that day…

Kain: *deadpan* May I take your order?

Random person: I'll have a cheeseburger with fries… but hold the onions, and the cheese… And replace the beef patty with a veggie burger.

Kain: *blinks* Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of a cheeseburger? You don't want meat, and you want me to hold the cheese?

Random person: And the onions!

Kain: Just get the veggie burger for godsake! 

Random person: I don't like your attitude! Where's the manager!?

Kain: Shit! No! No manager! I'll hold on the meat, onions, and cheese!

Random person: That's better.

At school…

Mr. Smith (AKA Sarafan Dumah): Okay. Now I trust everyone has their gym strips? (N/A: That would be the school shorts and T-shirts)

SR Raziel: I uhh…. Could I just… stay like this?

S Dumah: Not a chance. Show some guts, and get changed. *directs the boys to the locker room*

SR Raziel: Uhh… *looks around, realizing there is no chance of him getting out of this* This is so degrading… *looks at his pants, tied up with a belt* I'm so scrawny… 

Random student: Heh, hey blue guy? What's the matter? Not good enough to get changed with the rest of us? Or ashamed that all of you is blue... *boys around him start to laugh*

SR Raziel: I will _not _allow you to insult me!!! *takes off his pants, shirt and cowl* Roooarrr!

All students: Ahhhh!!!! *run towards the exit, some only in their underwear*

SR Raziel: Hehehe… today is going to be a good day…

And so, the day unfurls, going extremely crappy for Kain, but wonderful for his kids. Now lets go see Kain picking up his parents at the airport…

Kain: *looking around for a sign that says 'Kain'* Okay… wha…? *Two Zombies holding a sign with 'Kainy-poo'*

Zombie # 1: Kain? Is that my wittle hunnykins?! Awww! He's all gwown up into a man! 

Kain: Uh… hi Mom… you _could _lay off on the baby voice…?

Mom: Oh, I'm sorry… It's been so long… and you never call… 

Kain: *mumbling* I wonder why…

Dad: Son, we missed you! *hugs him* Just… you should cut your hair… you look like a girl…

Kain: What? My hair is my pride! It's so long and flowy! And lots of people think it's sexy. 

Dad: *shakes his head* What happened to that little naïve boy I loved…

Kain: Uhh… he hit peuberty, was killed and raised as a vampire. 

Dad: *glares* Shut up and get us home.

Kain: I uhh… have to go to the pound… and uh… get my son. *awkward silence*

Mom: *sadly* Oh Kain…

Bloodthirsty: …okay… so it's been a loong, LONG wait… But I did it! My writers block is cured!

Legolas: Damn.

Kain: double damn. 

Bloodthirsty: Shaddap! I've had a crappy birthday! I could have been a lot meaner! No one ever appreciates me! *sobs* 

Kain: shit! 

Legolas: Double shit! 

Muses: *pat Bloodthirsty on the back* 

Bloodthirsty: Hehe… muses are so easy… *grins*

Hope you liked this one! ^^;; Pwease review… You'll get a… uhh… Marcus plushie! *rubs his head* He's good luck! ^^

Marcus: This is so degrading… 


	7. Parents, who needs 'em?

Bloodthirsty: Wheee!! I feel happy again! There are nice people in the world, and they reviewed!! 

Kain: If that's not sucking up, I don't know what is…

Bloodthirsty: Well, I don't see any reviews saying, 'Kain! I feel so sorry for you, being abused and undernourished!', now do I? 'Sides, I didn't think so many people cared! Well, just for that, I got this out extra early!! ^^;;;

Legolas: Can I go home?

Bloodthirsty: Um… no… hehehe, I've discovered the art of cracking my knuckles. Well, most of them… still working on my pinky and ring fingers… *pop* *pop* *pop* heehee!

Kain is driving to the pound, having his Zombie mother talk his ear off about responsibility.

Mom: …you should be more mature! I'll bet your kid isn't even possessed! It's probably a cry for attention! You're most likely an awful father! Just like you're an awful husband, and an awful son!

Kain: *rolling his eyes* I'm a tyrant! I'm allowed to be an awful people person, so get off my case!

Dad: You were so innocent when you were younger… Remember Mr. Floofy? 

Kain: *blinks* M-Mr. Floofy…? I- goddamnit! I'm a grown vampire! I don't need a damned teddy bear!

Mom: *sitting in the passenger's seat, pulls out a ratty looking teddy bear from herpurse* I still have him, you know… If you really are that innocent, bright eyed little boy I know, then you'll keep him… *looks hopeful*

Kain: *keeping one hand on the wheel, he takes the teddy bear* 

Mom: Good, now when we get home, we're going to have a little chat about your attitude, young man!

Kain: *pulls into the parking lot of the pound* Hold on a sec. *throws the teddy bear out the window, runs it over, backs up over it, and repeats that for a few minutes* Now what was that about my bad attitude?

Mom: Kain! That was a gift from your Grandmother!

Kain: Mom, she was senile. For all I know, that could have been a badly deformed cat.

Mom: … actually, it was a dog… but that's beside the point.

Dad: Lets just go in and get erh… Zoofy…

Kain: *deadpan* Zephon…

Dad: Hehe, I knew that…

They walk into the pound, and wait for the clerk to help them.

Clerk: *looking over the two Zombies and the inhumanly pale man, she shakes her head* Can I help you?

Kain: Yeah, there was a weird… rabid, human-thing… 

Clerk: *goes nearly as pale as Kain* Are you here to take that-that _thing _back…?

Kain: Yeah, how much will it cost?

Clerk: Nothing!!! Just get it out!!! It's… in there… *points to an ominous looking door down the hall* 

Kain: Okay… so, I just go in there, and take him out?

Clerk: No… *hands him a tranquilizer, hand gun, and a leash* be careful… that's were the creatures we put down don't…stay down…

Kain: Okaaaaay…. *takes the stuff and walks towards the door*

A person walks out, looking suspiciously like Claire Redfield from 'Resident Evil: Code Veronica'.

Claire: So this is where they get the dogs from… *two nasty looking dogs on leashes walk out* Good doggies… *as she walks out of the pound, she eyes the two zombies wearily* 

Kain: *blinks* Okay then… *opens the door with a sickening creak* …Zephon? 

Zephon: *hisses as he clings to the wall*

Kain: Zeph- *is cut off by Zephon lunging at him* 

Zephon: *growls and bites Kain's arm*

Kain: Damn! That's what the tranquilizers were for! *takes the dart and pokes him in the eye with the blunt end, then bashes him over the head with the handle of the hand gun, effectively knocking him out long enough for Kain to hog tie him*

Zephon: *squeals like a pig*

Kain: Phew… *walks out of the room nonchalantly, dragging Zephon behind him* These certainly did come in handy! *Hands the unused tranquilizer and handgun to the stupefied clerk*

Mom: I'm not even going to ask… 

Dad: I always new you'd be a good cowboy, son! *The three walk out, forgetting to close the door of the room for the undead animals… we all know what happened to the poor clerk…*

The boys just got home from school, lets see what they're up to…

Rahab: Did you hear? Grams and Gramps are coming over!

Melchiah: Yay! I haven't seen them for so long!

V Raziel: We've never seen them, have we?

Dumah: No… we haven't…

Melchiah: *still grinning*

SR Raziel: I hate gym…

Turel: Why? 

SR Raziel: Cause everyone keeps saying 'Oooh! The blue guy has not guts!' Or 'The blue guy has no balls!'

Turel: Well it's true! *blank stares from everyone*

Melchiah: *hugs Raziel's legs* Yay!!

SR Raziel: What the hell…?

Rahab: Vorador scarred Melchiah… Now anything that has to do with… erh… reproduction, he thinks is contaminated…

V Raziel: Stupid Kain… ripped my wings off _and _took away my manliness! 

SR Raziel: Hey! I'm just as much as a man as I was before! *his brothers snort* …What?!

Melchiah: You're my favorite brother! *still hugging his legs*

SR Raziel: Melchiah, get off of my leg!

Melchiah: But you're pure!!

SR Raziel: *getting desperate* No I'm not! You shoulda see what I did as a vampire! 

Melchiah: *immediately jumps off of Raziel* You…

V Raziel: Hehehe…

Melchiah: No! Stay away!! You're all dirty, filthy beasts! *starts to cry*

Just then, the door opens, and in walks Kain and his parents, dragging Zephon on the leash, who is still hog tied.

Kain: Shaddap! I'm old enough to take care of myself! Leave me alone!

Mom: But you're a horrible person! You have six, no, sorry,_ seven _kids, and you can't even be darned to raise them correctly!

Kain: Shut the hell up! I don't want 'The Brady Bunch' for a family!

Mom: Don't swear, damnit! It's very unbecoming!

Kain: You're unbelievable! 

Mom: I-I just wanted to be a good mother… I've failed!! *starts to cry* You turned out evil and mean, because I'm an awful m-mother… I'm s-sorry Kain… I-I should have b-been a better m-mom… *starts to sob hysterically*

Kain: *getting dirty looks from everyone in the room* Uhh… Mom…? Sorry… you were a great mom… *feeling really guilty* Don't blame yourself because I'm a rotten apple… *awkwardly puts an arm around her shoulder*

Mom: *regains her composure a little too fast* Great! Your father and I are staying for another two weeks, and we'll be sleeping in your bedroom. I want steak tonight, and tomorrow, something Italian! 

Melchiah: Gramma! *hugs her legs* Yay! You're not contaminated!

Dad: See Kain? Why didn't you turn out like him? Why, I remember when you were first born! You were so sweet and innocent. You had your mother's-

Melchiah: *eyes widen* You- you-

Rahab: Oh dear god, Melchiah No! *eyes widening as well* 

Melchiah: You- _you had sex_!!!!! *starts to cry pathetically and crawls away from his grandparents*

Kain: *looks completely dumbfounded* I-I- he-

Mom: Kain!!! A child his age should _not _know about sex!!!!

Kain: But I-

Dad: I did not raise a perverted son! What the hell did you teach him!

Kain: Nothing! It was Vorador! I swear! He's the pervert! 

Mom: Another sign of irresponsibility! Trying to blame your neighbor for something you did! Shame on you!

Kain: *looking very pissed off* He _did_!!! He's a complete pervert!!!!

Turel: Uhh, Dad? This might be a bad time to tell you this, but that pervert is coming over, with one of his… uhh.. brides…

Kain: Turel, I would have been so much happier if I didn't know that…

Dumah: Oh yeah, and he's bringing some friends over.

Right on cue, the Sarafan Lord, Umah, the vampire trio, (Fausty, Sebby, and Marky), Vorador, and a random bride come in nonchalantly.

Faustus: Whoa, Kain! *points to his parents* Who are the two uglies? 

Kain: *clenches his teeth* My parents…

Faustus: Oh… hehe…*nervous* well, that sickly color of putrid green suites you two very well!

Dad: Aww, thanks! Now why Kain didn't turn out like you is beyond me…

Sebastian: That bastard killed us!

Kain: Shut up asshole! You would have killed me if I hadn't killed you!

Dad: Kain! Watch your damned mouth, boy! You're not too old for a spanking! *everyone around aside from Kain and his parents burst into laughter*

Kain: *turning red, whether it be from embarrassment or anger* All right! Let's just have dinner…

After much fussing from Ariel, she manages to scrounge up enough food for all of them, and amazingly, they can all be seated at the table… how? No one will ever know…

Mom: So Ariel, darling. How did you and Kain meet?

Ariel: *blinks* Well, uhh… I was floating-

Dad: What, you mean you were a ghost when you met him?

Ariel: Yeah, I-

Mom: No wonder Kain is such a grouch! He's probably never even hoped in the sack.

Kain: _Mother_!!

Mom: Well it's true! I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if you were still a virgin! I mean, I thought you were gay when you were alive. You never showed any interest in the opposite sex! Why didn't you marry someone like Umah?

Umah: Because he's an asshole and killed me.

Mom: Well, you are a very stupid young man, Kain. Marrying a ghost over a pretty vampiress!

Ariel: Are you insinuating that I'm not pretty?

Mom: Doll, you only have half a face.

Ariel: Oooh, that means a lot coming from someone without any face at all, worm food!

Kain: Oh shit… Mom, Ariel- *Dumah and Turel start to cheer on the two* shut up!

Melchiah: *sobbing* Everyone's infected…

Umah: Hey, let's all just calm down… we can settle this out civilly. 

Mom: No wonder Kain killed you! You're already annoying me!

Umah: That's it!! *an all-out cat fight breaks loose between Umah, Kain's father, and Ariel… though no one knows how Ariel can punch, she still does*

Kain: Oh gawd, this can't be happening! Oh gawd oh gawd oh gawd oh-

V Raziel: Uhh… Dad? Where's Zephon?

Kain: Who cares anymore?! I don't!!! I don't care about anything anymore!! *laughs insanely*

Sarafan Lord: Ha! Kain has finally lost it! *grinning triumphantly*

Dad: So where do you know Kain from? 

Sarafan Lord: I kicked his ass and put him down for two hundred years! 

Dad: Good man- *gets knocked over by Umah being thrown*

Umah: Sorry about that! *lunges back into the fight*

Melchiah: *sobbing* Why won't it all stop!? Why, why, wh- *is suddenly dragged away by Zephon* 

Zephon: Sacrifices! *cackles evilly* 

Melchiah: Mpphhmmpph! 

Zephon: Silence, mortal!

Melchiah: Mpphhphph!!! 

Zephon: *takes off one of Melchiah's arms* We put the left hand in, *shoves Mel's arm into the sink* We take the left hand out, *takes the hand out*

Rahab: Shit! Melchiah! I'll save you! *tackles Zephon* 

Zephon: So you want to be next, fish boy?!

Rahab: Stop this, right now!!

Melchiah: yeah!! Stop it!

Zephon: Shaddap or I'll feed you whipped cream until you burst!

Melchiah: *starts to cry again*

Marcus: Uhh, Sebastian? I think we may want to help Kain out a bit…

Sebastian: Why? What's- *sees Kain sitting in front of a wall with Crayons in his hand, drawing on the wall*

Kain: *humming to himself* Sunshine, lollypops and, rainbows, lalala, hmmhmm-

SR Raziel: Okay, okay everyone, _break it up_!!!!

Kain: Whassa matta? Everyone's having a good time! Bring out the wine! *drawing a rainbow*

Rahab: Oh bloody hell… 

V Raziel: Dad has lost it! Really, truly lost it! 

Everything goes silent, aside from Kain's humming. His mother turns to look at him, and smiles.

Mom: There's my innocent little boy!

Kain: *drawing some rain on his work of art,(lol) except the rain is red… and there are decapitated bunnies, with very explicit gore, especially for a picture drawn by crayons…* I like bunnies… I've always wanted a bunny…

Mom: Kain dear? Drawing gory things isn't good for your mind…

Kain: You never gave me a bunny… and I want Mr. Floofy…

Zephon/Demon: *stops doing the hokey pokey with Melchiah's arm, and just staring at Kain*

Kain: I never, ever had a bunny before… and I miss Mr. Floofy…

Dad: Kain, son. You ran over Mr. Floofy in the parking lot earlier today, remember?

Kain: Bastard!! I would never hurt Mr. Floofy!!! I'll kill you!! *grabs Soul Reaver Raziel and starts beating his father with him*

SR Raziel: Dad *whack* Stop this right *smack* now!

Sarafan Lord: Oh my… I think Kain has really lost it… *Kain jerks his head towards the flaming green haired hylden, and glares menacingly* Uhh… never mind… *Kain resumes beating his father*

Mom: Kain! Enough! I-

Kain: You! *drops Raziel with a dull thud, and points accusingly at his mother* You look like a bunny! *lunges at her* Eek!

Zephon/Demon: *Having given up on tormenting Melchiah, he is content with watching Kain go insane* This is rich! *falls over laughing*

Kain: *has lost interest in trying to behead his mother, he glares at Zephon* Ta gnihgual uoy era tahw?!

Zephon/Demon: *grinning* Norom etelpmoc a! 

Kain: Ssabmud, no ti gnirb!

Zephon/Demon: *lunges at Kain*

Umah: Does anyone have any idea on what either of them just said?

Ariel: *blank stare* not the faintest clue… *shakes her head* Okay, party's over! Everyone out, NOW!!! *Vorador and all his guests walk out dejectedly, disappointed that they can't finish watching the scene* Rahab, call Kain's workplace, and tell them he's taking a few days off. He needs counciling.

Mom: Nonsense! He'll be fine with a bit of alcohol, and some lovin'.

Ariel: *eyes narrow* He does _not _need physical healing. I _am _going to get him counseling, and he _will _settle things out. Now go to bed before I get some friends from the spirit world to drag your rotting ass back to the underworld… *glares* *Kain's parents nod meekly and walk cautiously up the stairs*

Rahab: *watching Kain and Zephon talk in their strange language, whilst tearing at each other's throats* Should we separate them?

Ariel: Nope. Let them tire each other out. It's going to be a long two weeks…

Bloodthirsty: Bwah hahaha!!! There will be therapy next chapter!!! Who here likes Kain's parents???

Kain: I hate them… 

Legolas: Me too…

Kain: Shut up! Only I can hate them!

Bloodthirsty: *sighs* I love my muses, but why? I don't know…

Ahem… shoutouts! And lot's of em! *sniffles* You people are the best… 

Shadow wolf: *huggles her Kain plushie, hearing him say 'Vae Victus' in that, hot, sexy voice of his* Aww, thankies… *grinning* I love the idea of Kain's mom, but I don't think he does… *grinning evilly*

Emerald Embers: Funniest things out there? Awww… *bashful smile* Gee, thanks… I don't think it's quite _that _funny, but as long as my reviewers are happy, then so am I! ^^;; And that idea is wonderfully wonderful! I'll keep it in mind… *disturbingly sinister smirk*

Syvia: Thanks! Glad you like it! ^-^

Venris: *grinning, hands her a Marcus plushie* Heehee, screw the rabbit's foot, eh? Thanks for the suggestion! I loved it, as you can tell. I hope this was a fast enough update for ya!

HealerAriel: Hehehe, we all love the blond Elf, don't we? *grins* Hehehe, that would be very entertaining…

Chalcedony Blue: Hee, thanks for reviewing! And me? A genius? *grins* Wow, not many people tell me that! I'll make sure I remember that! ^^ Thankies!! 

Silveriss: Thanks! I'm glad you think it's funny! That's my purpose in life, is to make people laugh! *cheesy grin* And thanks. I love you people… *sniffles* Damn crappy birthdays… *throws all kinds of plushies at you* you've made mine better. ^^ … but Patrick Stewart…? And Marcus…? Oh gawd… ideas manifesting themselves into my head… *falls over laughing* LoK, the next generation! XD No more!! No more!!! *has tears in her eyes from thinking about it*

AimzNemesis Sadistic Scorpion: LOL! I couldn't resist putting him in boxers… And poor Melchiah's innocence was bound to be destroyed with Vorador around, *snickers*

Vorador: Hey! I resent that remark!

Bloodthirsty: Suuuure… Ahem.. Thanks for the review!!! ^^

Demon Hunter Anamae: Hmm… perhaps I should put a warning: Do not drink milk while reading this fic!!

Lol, whatever… ahem. And poor Melchiah will never look at a parfait the same way again. Hehehe… And thanks for the cake… I'll have some later… *wink wink* hehehe… *grins and throws a Faustus plushie* Thankies!!

Fallen Templar: Aww… my reviewers are so kind and supportive… *sniffles* I love you guys… Hehehe, fear the Reaver of souls! Mwee hee hee! I wouldn't, but hey, that's just me… Thanks for the review!! 

Light in dark: Sorry to keep you waiting, and thanks for the stuff!! *munching contently on chocolate stuff* And never fear! I'll finish this story… someday… in a galaxy far, far away… Hehehe… And I'm glad it was worth the wait!

Angel-Chan: lol, don't worry about it. Half my friends forgot it, and it still hasn't dawned on them yet. ^^;;; But I still feel appreciated! Heh, you're so kind… ^^;; *throws a Legolas plushie* And yes, I'm enjoying this, very much so! *grinning* I just hope my readers are having as much fun as I am!

Sarryn: Hee, wondeful AND funny! ^^;; yay! Go me! Thanks for the review!! 

Legolas: I'm not usually one for defending people who love to torment me, but aren't you forgetting someone from last chapter…?

Bloodthirsty: *looks around* Whatever do you mean…?

Legolas:…

Bloodthirsty: Aww fine. Whisp, I love ya girl, but where'd you go?! I thought you'd already be on my ass for not mentioning you… Where'd you go?! *starts looking under rocks and behind couches*

Kain: Ahem… since the authoress is busy looking for her 'number one fan', I guess I'll end this chapter. Erh… thanks for reviewing… and uhh… she would like to express her gratitude, but can't, as she's trying to look under the fridge. So… *looks around* if you have any mercy at all, don't review! It fuels her on, and it's never good for her muses!

Bloodthirsty: I heard that!! Don't listen to him! As long as you're not my muse, you won't be hurt! *goes back to searching*

Kain: Crap…


	8. Keep your head on!

Bloodthirsty: I'm back, after a weekend of watching my cousins play 'Eternal Darkness'. Very funky game indeed…

Kain: But my games are still better… right?

Bloodthirsty: Of course! It's just fun to watch the protagonist go insane…

Legolas: you play weird games…

Kain: What's that supposed to mean?!

Bloodthirsty: Ahem!! Nothing. I'm back, with more insanely stupid humor!

Kain: Oh gawd… kill me now…

Legolas: *grins* 

It's morning, and Ariel floats around nervously, wondering how Kain is going to act. The bedroom door opens, and Kain walks out, completely normal.

Kain: Gu'morning Ariel.

Ariel: *blinks* Erh… Hi Kain… feeling better…?

Kain: Yes, I am thank you. *casually walks down the stairs* 

Mom: *sitting at the table, eating some bacon and eggs* Hullo, Kain… Hope you're not too mad about last ni-

Kain: Whataboutlastnight?!Idonrememberasinglethingaboutlastnighthowaboutsomemilkyoulookreallythirsty!!!!!! *takes a glass of milk and chugs it* 

Mom: Erh… I wasn't aware Vampires could drink milk…

Kain: *face scruntches up* They can't- *runs away holding his stomach*

Mom: *blinks* Oookay then…

Ariel: *floats into the kitchen* Where's Kain…? We're taking him to see a shri-erh… get some help…

Kain: *returns, though looking a bit sickly, even for a vampire* Another happy day at work, to earn money and spend it on my beloved *twitch* children… *twitch*

Ariel: Kain…? I called work, and you're taking the day off! *smiling sympathetically at him* Aren't you happy…?

Kain: A break from work? But I can't! All work and no play makes Kain lots of money to- *twitches violently for a few moments* graciously spend on my wonderful little boys… *twitch*

Ariel: But we're going to see someone who'll help you… *her voice is soothing and she's actually managing to coax Kain into going*

Mom: Stop coddling him! Kain, you're going crazy so she's taking you to see a shrink!

Kain: *eyes water up* I-… I don't need a shrink! I'm perfectly sane!!! 

Ariel: *blank stare* If you come, I'll get you a bunny…

Kain: *eyes her suspiciously* okay… but if you're lying…

So Ariel leads Kain and his mother to the vehicle. She, of course, cannot go, leaving Kain and his mother… alone… in a car…

Mom: Kain, you drive like a moron!

Kain: I'm sorry *twitch* mother…

Mom: Don't you 'I'm sorry, twitch, mother' me young man! You drive like crap! You stupid fricken moron! How did I ever get a kid like you!

Kain: *slams on the break* [censored] you! Huh? What the [censored]? *eyes widen in horror* No!!! Not censors! 

Mom: That's right Kain! I've gotten sick of your damned potty mouth!

Kain: How come they don't censor you?!

Mom: *grins seductively* I have my ways…

Kain: *eyes widen again* oh my [censored] gawd… *stops paying attention to driving*

Mother: If we crash, I'm suing you.

Kain:… *twitch*

By pure coincidence, he crashes into the building where he's getting… help. They walk into the building and go into the third floor, where Kain is going to get… help…

Receptionist: Name please.

Kain: Kain.

Receptionist: Last name?

Kain:… the terrible?

Receptionist: *quirks an eyebrow*

Kain: Uhh…oh yeah! Kain the evil sadistic Vampire Lord.

Receptionist: *looks at a list* Oooh, our one o'clock. Looks like you're right on time. The doctor will see you shortly. 

Kain: *sitting down reading a comic, while his mother is hitting on a patient whom just walked out*

Receptionist: Erh, Kain the evil sadistic Vampire Lord! *everyone looks at Kain*

Kain: … Okay… *walks towards the doctors room… thing…*

Dr.: Sit down and tell me what's- Kain?!? Dear god!!

Kain: Nupraptor?!?! *looks at him stupidly*

Dr. Nupraptor: *eyes narrow* Ahh… how is 'Mr. Kill off the smart guy and marry _his _true love'?

Kain: *whimpers* I'm gonna be going now… *rushes out of the room*

Dr. Nupraptor: Damn… I could of have fun…*sounds of a fight outside can be heard, and the door swings open. In walks Kain's mother, dragging a distraught Kain by the ear*

Mom: I paid for two hours, and you're damn well gonna use them!!!!

Kain: But- but- but-

Mom: I don't care if he's that ghosts ex! 

Nupraptor: He's not going to tell me what's wrong… is he?

Mom: No, but I can. He hasn't been laid for years, and he can't raise his kids, and his neighbors hate him.

Nupraptor: Can you blame them?

Mom: Not at all. He's an insensitive jackass.

Kain: Mom…? I'm standing right here you know… *sniffles a little*

Mom: Shush up, Kainy-kins. Let mommy and the doctor talk about how horrible of a person you are.

Kain: *eyes widen* But-

Mom: I have soo many baby stories about him! You know, for the longest time all he would say was 'poopie'?

Nupraptor: Reeeaaalllly… I'm sure the other circle members would just _love _that little tidbit of information…

Kain: *moans and starts bashing his head against the wall*

Two hours later…

Mom: …and he just stood there, looking dumbfounded in his birthday suite!

Nupraptor: *sputters with laughter* That's great!!

Mother: And- oh. Drat. The time… shall I make another appointment?

Nupraptor: No need. I'll just bump my three o'clock. Now tell me more!

Mother: Oooh! He had so many bad habits!

Kain: *eyes widen in horror* Oh no…

Back at home…

Ariel: Zephon!! Put down Melchiah's head, right this instant!

Melchiah: *head is separated from his body* Yeah! *body is fumbling around*

Zephon/Demon: Gwah hahaa!!! Hey Melchiah! *singsong voice* Don't lose your heeaaad!!!

Melchiah: Bastard!!! *tries to bite Zephon's arm*

Zephon/Demon: Ha! Pathetic! Truly pathetic! *shakes Mel's head around*

Melchiah: Aaaariel!!! Help me!!!

Ariel: I can't do anyhting!! We'll have to wait until your brothers get home- wait! *looks into the living room where Kain's dad and Vorador are talking*

Vorador: Yeah. Kain really is lazy. He didn't raise his army, _I_ raised his army. Lazy bastard. Say,- *Ariel floats in frantically* 

Ariel: Kain's appointment was over at three, right?

Dad: Yeah, why?

Ariel: He should be home any minute then!

Half an hour later…

Ariel:… this can't be good…

Back to Kain and Nupraptor….

Nupraptor: Are you serious?!

Mom: Very serious! See his high school picture? *takes a picture out of her wallet* Nosgoth Senior High school! He was the geekiest there! *shows a picture of Kain with glasses, braces, and bad acne* 

Kain: *with a bump on his head* Why me…? Why was I cursed with a mother like this…?

Mom: *glares intensely at Kain* _You_ cursed with _me_?! _You cursed with ME_?!? You brat!!! I was the one cursed with a butt ugly, geeky son!! You were an accident!! You weren't even supposed to happen!! *awkward silence*

Kain: *eyes get all watery, and his bottom lip trembles* M-mummsies…? 

Mom: Don't call me that!! I hate you, Kain! You're a bastard too! And it's the truth!! I wasn't married when I had you! You abomination of the earth! I knew you'd mess up big in the universe, but damning a whole world?! *starts to cry* You've ruined my life, Kain!! You stole 30 years that I can't have back! It's all your fault!! 

Nupraptor: Shh!! *puts a comforting arm around Kain's mother* Lie down on the couch, and tell me alll about it. *sits in his chair and gets a notepad out*

Mom: Well, there was one time when he joined the chess club, and got mad at me when I said I wasn't his mother at the award ceremony when he got 'Chess player of the Year'.

Kain: But I was _good _at chess!! Really really goo-

Nupraptor: *hisses at Kain* What kind of geek _likes _chess?! I wouldn't be proud of my kid either! And let me guess, you were a teachers pet too? You stuttered, were tall and awkward, couldn't talk to girls, and couldn't run around the football track if your life depended on it?!

Kain: But- I-

Mom: You've done enough Kain! 

Kain: I try, and I try! First, you hate me because I was a *gulp* geek… and when I grow up to become a Vampire Lord, and become powerful and well known and sexy, you _still _hate me!

Mom: *eyes narrow* Not once, _ever_ in your longwinded speeches did you say 'I'd like to thank my mother and father…' now did you?

Kain: You never did any-

Nupraptor: Silence Kain! Your mother is right, now let her speak! She's been through a lot! Now please continue…

Back at home, the door swings open, and the five boys waltz into the house.

SR Raziel: What a day… 

Turel: Indeed! I got a date with _the_ Sarah Gwendel! 

Dumah: Yes, yes. We know already.

V Raziel: Bah, if she's going out with you, then she's not worth anything.

Turel: Why I outta… *notices Melchiah's headless body stumbling around* whoa… where's his head?

Ariel: Thank gawd you five are here! Zephon took Melchiah's head upstairs, and threatened to call the ghost busters if I came up! You guys have to help him!

Rahab: Erh… okay…

Turel: Forget it. I'm going to go to my room and try to think of something to buy for Sarah… *sighs dreamily and walks up the stairs*

V Raziel: So what are we going to do? We can't just barge in. Who knows what he's doing to poor Melchiah?

Rahab: Well, I intend to save him. He's my only little bro… well, as aside from Zephon… but he doesn't count.

SR Raziel: Then what are we waiting for?! He's my only little brother too! Well… aside from all of you guys…Let's-

Turel: *comes down the stairs, fuming* Okay, who took my magazine collection?! 

Rahab: You actually read? Wow, I think that feeling in the pit of my stomach is a little bit of respect for you!

Turel: Me? Read?! *bursts out laughing* Those magazines are more for pictures, if you get my drift… *wolfish grin*

Rahab: *sighs* I think that feeling is probably just indigestion. 

Turel: That may be, but then who has my magazines…? *Melchiah starts to cry from upstairs, and Zephon is heard laughing maliciously. A long silence, and then the brothers race upstairs to save Melchiah*

Rahab: *pounding on the door* Open up, Zephon! Now!!! Leave poor Melchiah's innocence alone, you bastard!!

Zephon/Demon: *breaks the door down and races past them* Gaaaaah!!! He's eating me!!!!

SR Raziel: *blinks* Does the light in my eye sockets that serve as eyes deceive me? Or was Melchiah just eating Zephon?

Zephon/Demon: Eating me! Eating me!!!

Melchiah: Mrrpphhh!! *stops biting, and his head makes a dull thump as it hits the floor, and rolls around a bit* ouchies…

Turel: *picks up Melchiah's head* You okay?

Melchiah: *glares intensely* I've just been subjected to various scantily clad women, been decapitated, and been dropped on the floor. I'm friggen peachy!!!

Turel: Hey, no need to get all defensive. Sheesh. *carries Melchiah's head under his arm*

Melchiah: Ew!! Get some antiperspirant! !

Turel: *grinning* How come? Don't like my natural smell? 

Ariel: *looks at Turel* Oh my… when is Kain going to get back here?

The door swings open, and 'Mom' walks in. Without Kain.

Ariel: Where's Kain?

Mom: Oh. Well, the doctor told me to forget about him. He's caused me severe trauma… *sniffles a little*

Ariel: But I thought the session was for Kain?!

Mom: It was. Oh, and Nupraptor sends his regards.

Ariel: Wha…? Oh god…

Bloodthirsty: *phew* It's done!!!

Kain: *blinks*

Legolas: *points at Kain and laughs*

Kain: *draws the Soul Reaver and chases Legolas around*

Bloodthirsty: Ah, bugger it. Too tired to split them up. Now, we just need to get them into leather thongs and some mud.

Kain and Legolas: *stop attacking each other and stare at Bloodthirsty* O.O;;;

Bloodthirsty: Hehe… sweet dreams, sweeties. *blows a kiss*

Kain and Legolas: *cowers*

I'm very cracked out. ^________^;;; so I'm allowed to be… odd… Hehehe…

Erh… Shoutouts!!

HealerAriel: *lmao* Poor Melchiah! Everything is against him! Gwah! Even me! …Your mom laughed at this…? *looks around* Heh… heheh… *nervous laugh* If she knew how old I was, she wouldn't… But thanks a lot for the review!

Rocker Baby: ^____^ Indeed it was enough! Thanks for the review!!! 

Griz the Evil Overlord: Heehee, glad you like it! Keep on laughing!

IceCold: Heehee, interesting is what I want. And I got it from 'The exorcist'… hehe, couldn't resist. *pops her knuckles* Indeed I did!

Zephon Fan: Oooh!!!! Good! Very good indeed! Congrats, and I'm glad you're still with me! ^____^

MortalK55: Hehehe, when your zombie mother comes over to visit, one can only stay sane for so long, eh? Thanks for the review!

Jedi-And: Those are awesome ideas!!! Of course I'll use them! Thanks a lot! My mind is starting to concoct even more maliciously evil ideas! Thankies!!!

Chalcedony Blue: Wow! Twice! Heehee! Thankies so much! Oooh yes. Kain has definitely lost it, and Melchiah will never eat a parfait the same way again. *lol* I'm positive Kain doesn't feel the same about his mother. Heehee, of course Marcus is good luck! He's bald and cute! All bald cuties are good luck!

AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion: Yay! ^______^;;; I'm glad people like this so much! Thankies!! People love me, they really love me!

Kain: No, they like seeing me in pain.

Bloodthirsty: Shhh!!! They love me!!!

Erh, thankies for the review! *tosses Mr. Floofy at you. Kain cries* Hehehe…

Silveress: I'm glad it made your crappy day better! *shudders* Eeeevil wisdom teeth. Why the hell do they call them that, and not 'pain in the ass' teeth? Erh… pain in the mouth… You get the just of it. *lol* And I promise they'll be in good physical condition… though I make no promises on mental. *evil grin*

Demon Hunter Anamae: Yay! Outter space cannot stop me! Take that you Martian! You'll never stop me!!! *gets strange looks from her readers* Erh… Melchiah… poor Melchiah. He'll never be the same again. Hehe, *tosses a Marcus plushie* He says 'Destroy him my puppets!' in the oh-so-sexy voice of his when you squeeze his tummy! And who knew Kain was artistic?

Angel-Chan: Hee, everyone loves Legolas! *lol* They were just talking backwards to eachother. And I'm glad it's fun to read this! *squeee!!* Gollum is so cute! Isn't he, Legolas?

Legolas: Not when she's doing it, and _I'm_ 'my precioussss'! *cowers*

Bloodthirsty: Hehehe… See how much fun it is? Let's make them allll our precioussss's…

Zephon Fan: How the [censored] do you review so many times?! Not that I'm complaining, mind you… it always barks at me, and says fido won't let me. Damn fido. Ah well. And yes, you did give me the idea. Thankies!!!

Elashana: ^__________^ Yay! Thankies for the review! And definitely! That's the best part of writing humor! Putting them in situations and manipulating them into doing whatever you want… Like, Kain, in that leather thong I've been talking about. Gwahahahaha! Send him out to the fan girls wearing that! *chuckles sinisterly*

HealerAriel: Two reviews?! Thankies!!!! And Legolas!

Legolas: What?

Bloodthirsty: HealerAriel loves you.

Legolas: *sigh* Who doesn't?

Kain: Me!!

Bloodthirsty: Shaddap! I'm not done with my reviewers!

Fallen Templer: Hehehe, that would probably give Kain his sanity back, but where's the fun in that? *lol*! Thanks for the review!

Bloodthirsty: Okay, I'm done. Thankies for the reviews!!! Moebius dolls for everyone!

Kain: What the [censored]?! God[censored] censors! ___!! Why would you give them Moebius dolls!?

Bloodthirsty: Because they're voodoo dolls, and come with pins! ^______^ Enjoy!


	9. Of weddings, chainsaws, and werewolves

Bloodthirsty: Wow… long time no write, eh? Wellll, I've been talking with a certain authoress, and… some… interesting ideas have come up. We've bartered… But I must stop there, lest I create spoilers… Hehe… and as for _you, _dear sweet Kain… *leers*

Kain: *blinks* Oooh boy… why do I think I'm not going to enjoy this…

Bloodthirsty: *sitting on Kain's lap twirling a strand of his hair* what ever do you mean…? *innocent smile*

Kain: … Oh my…

Legolas: Wow… that's unnaturally creepy… I'm leaving now…

Bloodthirsty: Nuh uh! Stay right there! You'll love this! *cackles* I torment Kain even more!

Legolas: *grins and takes some popcorn*

Kain: What have I ever done to deserve this…? Erh… besides the obvious…

Vorador and Umah are walking around at night. The two are a search party, sent to find Kain. The brothers split up as well, and almost everyone is looking for him.

Umah: how hard can it be to find a distraught vampire Lord? 

Vorador: Erh… how about we follow that trail of knocked down lampposts… *points to the knocked down lampposts*

Umah:… Smart ass. 

So, the two follow the trail, and a few blocks away, Kain is spotted, talking to the lamppost.

Kain: You're not like the other ones… you don't laugh at me… *eyes narrow* Stop laughing! *points accusingly at the lamppost* Stop laughing!! I'll [censored]ing kill you!!! *knocks down the lamp post* [censored] you! You stupid censors!

Vorador: *looks at Umah*

Umah: Fiine… *walks up behind Kain, and bashes him over the head, effectively knocking him out* There, happy? 

So, with Kain finally found, they take him home. Though it might not have been the smartest idea, as the boys have already arrived.

Rahab: Melchiah! Stop it! 

Melchiah: But it's my new teddy bear! *holding up a dead cat*

Rahab: That's my science project! You can't have it for a teddy bear! Aren't you a little old?

Melchiah: No I'm not! It's not fair! Dad never tucked me in! He never read me a bed time story! And I never even had a mother to make it better! Stupid Ariel! She should be my mom! *starts to cry*

Rahab: *blinks* Just… just keep the cat… *slowly backs away*

And Ariel, who just happened to float by at that moment, heard poor Melchiah's anguished cries. 

Ariel: Oh my… What have we done to the children!? They need real parents! Ohgodohgodohgod! That's why Zephon is such a bad child! 

Zephon: Huh? What about me?

Ariel: *ignoring him* I swear from this moment on I'll never ignore the kids again! *floats away*

Zephon: *shrugs*

Umah and Vorador walk in, dragging Kain behind them.

Mom: *looks away from him* I can't bare to look at him anymore… He's not the lively little boy I used to know…

Vorador: Yup. Dying'll do that to you.

Mom: *glares* Shut up… you're ruining my moment…

Kain: *eyes flutter* Ouch… I have a killer headache…

Ariel: Kain, I know you have a lot of stress on you right now, and I'm not sure if your parents will approve, but I'm sure it will help you!

Kain: *still dazed* Wha…?

Ariel: You know, we aren't setting a good example for the kids… We should get married, Kain. A _real _marriage… *fidgets slightly, and glances at Kain's parents*

Dad: That's a wonderful idea! 

Mom: *sniffles a little* My own daughter in law! *glares at Kain* If you refuse, then we know for sure you're gay… 

Kain: *eyes widen* B-but- I- I'm not gay! I just can't be married! 

Melchiah: *walks in, still sniffling a little, clutching and talking to the dead cat* I'm gonna call you… Mommy, cause you'll make me feel safe and happy, like the mother I never had… *walks past Kain, not even glancing at him*

Kain: … I-… 

Ariel: Please Kain? For the kids? *Melchiah sniffles again*

Kain: *sighs dejectedly* Fine…

Vorador: *claps his hands* Splendid! I'll get the wedding ready!

Umah: Ooooh no! Not a chance, Dad. Last time you set it up, it was more like a honeymoon… 

Vorador: Oh, pooh. Fine. Then who will?

Umah: Me, of course!

Kain: *blinks* This- this can't be happening… *squeezes his eyes shut* This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't-

Mom: Shut up! You're getting married, and _liking _it!

Kain: *whimpers* You know, sacrificing myself doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all…

Zephon: *walks down the stairs* Hullo everyone.

Everyone: Ahhh!! He's possessed!!!

Zehpon: Nope. Not anymore. I made him a better deal with him. He now possesses the chainsaw in the garage.

Ariel: *blinks* Okay… I'll be sure to avoid the garage…

Kain: *rocking back and fourth* This isn't happening, this isn't happening… 

Zephon: What's with Dad?

Vorador: *still wary of Zephon* He's getting married…

Zephon: Seriously!? To who!? Please say it's not Umah! Having the hots for your mother isn't cool!

Umah: No, it's not me. And what's this about having the hots for me?

Zephon: Erh…Well- hey! If it's not you… then that means… Kain is gay?!

V Raziel: *races down the stairs* I always knew it! That's why we have to wear leather! 

Dumah: Dad's gay?! 

Melchiah: Yay! Daddy's happy! *everyone stares at him* What…?

Rahab: *walks down the stairs calmly* I'm sure this is all a big misunderstanding. There's no way Dad is gay, and no way he's getting married.

Ariel: Uh, you're wrong about the marriage part… We're getting married.

Rahab: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!

Ariel: *is surprised* What?! I thought you'd be happy!

Rahab: *sniffles* I-it's not that… but, I'm _never_ wrong! Never!!

Melchiah: *looks at Ariel blissfully* Mommy…?

Ariel: *eye and eye socket gets all watery* Son… *they leap at each other to hug, but Melchiah goes right through her* 

SR Raziel: *raises an eyebrow* Did I miss something?

Zephon: Ariel and Kain are tying the knot!

SR Raziel: Ah, I thought I'd missed something import- _What?!?_

Kain: This isn't happening, this isn't happening…

SR Raziel: Ariel?! But- Kain- you-

Ariel: It'll be just the same as it is now.

Zephon: 'Cept now they can have-

Everyone except Melchiah: Shhh!!!

Melchiah: Have what?! Have what?!

Rahab: Erh… they can have… toiletries… 

Ariel: *deadpan* Toiletries? Where the hell did that come from?

Rahab: *shrugs helplessly*

Mom: Whatever! Ariel, we have to get you a wedding dress! Where's the car?

Ariel: In the garage, with the- oh god… Kain's Ferrari! *sounds of a chainsaw can be heard*

Kain: *eyes widen* My… my… my _baby_… Nooo!! *gets up and races into the garage*

Ariel: Kain! That's suicide!!

Kain: I'll be damned, again, if I get married without my car there! *slams the door to the garage*

Ariel: Kain! *looking panicked*

The entire family just listens to the sound of Kain and the chainsaw fighting, no one daring to enter. After several minutes of fighting, and lots of censored curses from Kain, he emerges, covered in long chainsaw gashes. Followed by a tired out chainsaw as well.

Zephon: *looking nervous* I'm leaving now…

Chainsaw/demon: *makes chainsaw sounds*

Kain: *panting* Is that *pant* so?

Chainsaw/demon: *more chainsaw sounds*

Kain: [censored] you! What the [censored]? No! Not again! What's with all the censor bar thingies?!

Mom: They're for watching your mouth! 

Kain: Aww… then why can I [censored] damn? *waits a few moments* What the hell [censored] that? 

Mom: Aww sheeet… they're getting confused again.

Kain: That's just fricken [censored]. *growls* That's [censored] fricken peachy. *sighs* good enough.

V Raziel: The car!! How's the car?!

Kain: It's fine. I'm just really glad I followed the warning on it. 

Ariel: Warning?

Kain: Yeah. 'do not try to stop chainsaw with genitals'. 

Ariel: *looks disturbed* You could've been de-manned…

Kain: Yeah. Scary thought indeed. 

Then, from out of no where, a werewolf named Billy-Joe walks in, bites Kain's groin, and walks out again.

Kain: *in a high pitched voice* sheeeeeeet…. *falls over unconscious*

V Raziel: Holy crap… *looks around, looking paranoid* 

SR Raziel: I feel his pain…

Rahab: Erh… not really. If you want to get technical, everything that's gone was burnt off at the same time when you were tossed into the abyss, so one little thing like that would be irrelevant. 

Both Raziels: *glares*

V Raziel: What do you mean by 'one little thing'…?

Rahab: *nervously* Heheh… what I _meant_ was that, compared to your stomach, and lungs and such…

SR Raziel: *still glaring* you got lucky, book worm…

Ariel: *sighs exasperatedly* I want my wedding dress…

Mom: Yeah! Lets get going! This is wonderful! *eyes get all watery* I've always wanted to go shopping again for a wedding dress… Why don't we take the kids! My almost grandchildren! I'll buy them something… That's what grandmothers do… *sniffles*

All brothers: Yeah! 

In all their excitement, they pile into Kain's Ferrari, forgetting about Kain himself. So, after hours of shopping, they come home, and finally realize they'd forgotten about Kain.

Mom: I hope he's okay… *opens the front door* Kain! You're alive!

Kain: *eye twitches* Indeed I am. And the only reason I'm still a man, is because of Vampiric healing ability. _No _thanks to any of you… *glares intensely, holding an ice pack to his… sensitive spot* Damn werewolves…

Ariel: Sorry… but guess what! We're getting married tomorrow! We took care of everything! We have _two_ people to wed us, and people to come to our wedding! We got you a suite, and me a wedding dress, and the rings, and everything! *eyes get all stary*

Kain: So there's no chance of me getting out of this… Oh well. At least I'm not getting married to Umah.

Umah: *glares* 

Bloodthirsty: It's done! Finally! Thanks to DHA for the idea!! 

Kain: …

Legolas: *points and laughs*

Bloodthirsty: …okay… I guess Kain's a little peeved about the werewolf thing. Ah well. Shout outs!!

Wowza! Lotsa reviews! *huggles*

Chalcedony Blue: *laughs* Poor Moebius! Ah well. Kain's mom will get even meaner!

Kain: D'oh!

Bloodthirsty: Mwahahaha!! *huggles Turel plushie*

Angel-Chan: I'm so glad I made it better! *kicks wisdom teeth* who need's em?! And five klicks?! OMG!!! *dies from thinking about it* And here ya go! *tosses a SR Raziel plushie* Fwah! Collection completed! 

Demon Hunter Anamae: Fwaaah! Thankies so much for the ideas! And the piccy!!! *sobweepsobsob* You're too kind to me! *tosses a Sebastian plushie* For yoou! Now you've got the three stooges! *tosses a Magnus for good measures* And I hoped ya liked the werewolf bit. Heheh… couldn't resist.

Jedi-And: Wheee!! People love me! They really love me! *tosses chocolates and Candy to Jedi-And and his muses* *sniffles* I feel so special! You have all these awesome ideas! I'll have to find some place to put them!! Thanks for the input!!

Z-F Kat: Awww!! I didn't mean to offend you! Nothing wrong with it! I love it! Ya make my life all happy! Three reviews from one person! T___T;;; *more tears of joy* Thankies!! *beats Kain wit a censor bar* Hug her damnit!

Kain: *awkwardly hugs her*

Bloodthirsty: Heheh… that's better!

Silveress: Oooooh!! That's why they're called wisdom teeth… but still, they sound like a major pain in the ass. And are you by any chance a fan of Darwin? Survival of the fittest? *laughs* Go to darwinawards.com! It's hilarious!

Rocker Baby: Fwahhh!! I'm glad ya find this hilarious! Chapter four?! …it's been that long since I updated…? *hangs head in shame* well, I've updated now! Enjoy!

Bloodthirsty: All done! There we go! Peoples enjoy! 


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